Friday, June 17, 2016

On the Verge of a Rebirth

It has been 1 year since I found out the shocking news about Ai. More than loosing a love,  a best friend, a future husband, I lost faith, and my spirit was broken. I want to write today about my process through pulling myself out of depression. I am not 100% there yet but maybe writing my process might help others who are drowning.

I was crying everyday and wanted to die but couldn't. I suffered through it, and let myself cry it out, rehash and retell my story over and over again to myself and people around me. I cried and cried and cried. I slept any chance I could get to escape the world around me. I let everything fall apart because if I kept it inside I felt like I would explode. I think I only survived because I knew my limitations and didn't try to bottle it up. (5months drowning, sinking)

I cut off anything I felt was too large me to swallow and moved to something I can still be productive but not intense. I went numb and ran on moved bare minimum to survive. I was breathing and my heart was beating but that was the only sign of life I had. (3months drifting, floating) 

I woke up and tried my best keep myself busy. I went somewhat wreck less and drowned myself in work instead of in my bed. I did not care what it was doing to my body, if I could have one shred of belief I wasn't useless to everyone I didn't care what happens to me. If only I can have peace, the mediocre was enough for me. (5months~ treading water, swimming in circles)

My next step is not quite there yet but I am working towards it. I found that depression is not only the down part of it or the lifeless part of it, but it can have an active side of it too. I thought at the 3rd stage I was already out but at the back of my mind I felt like something was missing. That part I was missing was the mind set of plus instead of damage control, looking forward to things, planning for the future, trying to improve instead of just trying to not suffer and being satisfied with the now. My next goal is to be able to create things in my mind again. To inspire myself and want to improve my life again. 

Just a little longer I think. Knowing is half the step. For now just baby steps.  (breaking free of swimming circles and swimming towards land. final stage will be building a new empire)

My advice as someone who has pulled herself out of major depression 3x (not including + 3 more minor cases) is to always tell yourself its only temporary and take these steps. Cry it out, let go and let yourself go numb, climb back out and start looking forward to life again. The reason why this one was so particularly difficult and had an extra step of wandering around in circles was because I was already pulling out of depression from the damage that I occurred in 2014. I was at the point where I just got to the looking forward stage (and didnt have a treading water stage) when I suffered a deeper blow when the only pillar of hope I had was taken away. I thought the wandering circles part was just a result of permanent damage. Suffering too much made me want to not want anymore. But I realise now that isn't good enough. I want full recovery.