Saturday, November 28, 2015


It`s been about half a year since Ai passed away. I have stopped crying everyday but still cry at least once a week. I am just trying my best to get through this.

I constantly feel so upset that everything I deemed precious always just barely falls short of grasp. I feel defeated in a sense that even when doing things the long and hard way still results in nothing but a broken heart from freak endings.

It sucks its so so so rare for me to fall in love with someone. For me to find a match is 1 in a million in quite a literal sense even harder for someone who is put together who is not only got the right chemistry but also a best friend and partner that is inspiring.

As for my facebook accounts. I will have them back up eventually... I feel rather cut off but that`s ok I guess... I feel alone a lot lately because I don`t want to bother people with a hashed up re-chewed downer topic that I carry in my heart everyday as people I feel that are really close to me have a lot on their plate right now and I don`t have the capacity to listen to their problems after I share mine. It`s nothing new just the same feeling as before no worse but not too much better either.

Everyone who sees potential in me; I always feel scared of letting them down especially when I`m not all there lately. I really don`t want to live in a world where no matter how hard you try unsuspected bad things can just come in like a bitch with hack code in a game killing what you hold dear to you in a split second. But I still continue to try my best to stay strong. I`m rather glad there`s a lot of things blocking my balcony right now.

It`s funny I keep ending up being encouraged to do something big career-wise by people all the time. I keep running away from it but it tends to keep being the only option for me at any given time. Since I have no career goal I`ll likely end up doing it anyways. Really, as long as I have money to enjoy the things I want to do and have the time to attend to my hobbies with time to think and unwind regularly I`m cool. I ultimately want to find love and have it last but...

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