Friday, August 23, 2013

Long time no blog?

Wow I suppose it's been a long time since I wrote on this thing. If I had the time I wouldn't mind doing like I've always done and back track 3-7month blocks of my life as I read off my notes I write in my personal planner. Some may suspect that I may not remember much just reading 1-3 word messages in the days in my monthly planner but just purikura or those little word reminders is enough to trigger the entire night like a movie.

Unfortunately I do not have the time at the moment to be doing that. Here is why:

First a little summary of the last 8months:

I last left off my blog at about the middle of my christmas holidays in Canada. Like planned I've been back in Japan since January, graduated from language school ( I just couldn't take much more of it anymore) and started the stylist program at Vantan Design. (A fashion school in Tokyo). Since entering the school I had to adjust to some of the Japanese traditions and culture that I have been purposely avoiding since I got here. The culture shock is sometimes wearing on my patience but before I start to rip someones head off or pull out my hair in confusion as to how ridiculous it is to have manner/way of doing things almost more important than content, I always remind myself every place has its pros and cons and its not like going anywhere else will make much of a difference as I'm just a freak/ex. loner. (really it's already a miracle I able to speak and socialise to people to this degree considering where I started from) I still do not regret moving from Canada even now. The only thing that has changed is I wouldn't mind visiting my mom for a couple weeks here and there but at least there's always our nice long phone calls via phone app. Line. (It's kinda like skype but easier to use on your phone)

Alot has happened in the past 8months. I am always bogged down with homework nowadays. I am on summer holidays and I haven't left my house much aside from a couple days here and there just slaving away at my homework. But the upside is I won't have to worry about getting tanned this summer!

It has come to my attention that some people think Ai and I are still dating. To be completely clear about this, we have broken up hell... just a couple weeks past 2 years ago. I guess its misleading with all the aftermath afterwards. It has been this loonnnnnnnnnnng strange not officially together but not completely finished either for the past 1.5years. Around January we fought big time. I had a bit of a mental breakdown. It wasn't just him, but alot of things put together. Mainly just overworking myself with an insane schedule that I kept up for 1 year just lead to the deterioration of my sanity. I had a difficult time thinking properly, made some rash decisions, easily irritated and was depressed about what was going to happen to me in the future. Luke warm relationships weren't much help either. I wrote him a goodbye letter that I threw at him in tears sometime in January. (If I ever get some time I'll write about that day in detail later) But to no avail my goodbye didn't last long as I had to call upon him for some information of a past employee of his to solve some other problem involving a friend of mine as well. After that... I suppose the goodbye just became meaningless. It also didn't help much either. Alot my friends were anticipating it and thought it was good for me. It only felt good for a week and then nothing. From there we met a couple other times but eventually over time I started to loose feelings for him as he became increasingly shallow. Now we are just friends. The last time I saw him he was bragging to his customer about how put together I was like I was some sort of graduate of the Ai personality builder course. He taught me many things and made me more into a strong modern women. He trained me to be a stronger person and to care about myself a little more.

While what Ai moded me into is much more suitable for this modern society, it came with a new bag of personal image problems. I felt myself returning back to my old personality of being numb and cold towards things on top of feeling a bit masculine. I guess I mourned the lost of femininity in the process of surviving Japan's difficult conditions/rules/regulations without a loved one.  For about 3months or so I kinda fell into a bit of a groove of emotionless action. I think I sort of lost myself there.

Which brings us to now. I am recovering from this slowly by trying to remember who I am and what morals I put in place before I got here. In this dirty city I have met some remarkable people, some terrible people and exceptionally beautiful people broken by terrible people. (and of course the dull and mundane but who cares about them)

As for school, I like school. It's just stressful and I have a hard time making friends. But then again what's new? Putting aside the fact that most of them are 18year old kids, I've always been the type of person to mostly have friends outside of school anyway.

Aside from some emotional hiccups I'm in a in a much better place than I was last winter.

Back to homework, if I have time I'll catch up on this blog.