Sunday, May 20, 2012

稟 Live!



I rushed home from Ais bar at around 330pm, quickly took a shower and fixed my hair and makeup a little and went to meet with Mayumi and Hitomi at 109. Ash was supposed to come but she messed up her ankle bad so she couldn't. It's really too bad since Kisaki went through the trouble of sending the tickets and 2 people couldn't go in the end.

I was tired but so excited. Rin is one of my favorite bands. They have a simular feel to the old Phantasmagoria which made me very happy. We droped by the combini to eat a little and pre-drink (well I was done with drinking for now so I only ate). Neither Mayumi or Hitomi knew where the venue was. This would normally be a problem because live houses are normally pretty hard to find since they are normally a little door in the middle of nowhere like the way blackhole was in Ikebukuro. But luckily I've been to this one before for Luzmelt's one man.

When we got there it was already packed. I really wished I had the money to buy some stuff there but I really could not afford it. We got our drinks with the drink tickets and stood in the back watching. I had my hands over my mouth for the first half of the show with a smile from ear to ear behind it. I was soo happy I could almost cry. Its not my first live but it's my first live in Japan for a band that I liked before seeing them live. Riku and Kisaki were soo fun on stage. I just couldn't believe I was seeing them live. During the talking session they had a few funny jokes going on. It was pretty entertaining.

At the end of the live my legs were soo exhausted but I really wanted to take purikura with Hitomi and Mayumi so that's just whate we did. A bunch of foreigners wanted our picture but we refused. My hair and face is all crap from not sleeping and going through a live so I wasn't in the mood.

We then went to the rock cafe in dogenzaka. There I met with Hitomi's friends Noah and Takahiro. Takahiro also spoke english because just like hitomi he studied abroad in california. I was originally going to go for one drink and then go home but I ended up staying for about 3-4 LOL. Thankgod it was close to home so I only had to walk 5mins to finally crash.... where I ended up sleeping for a couple days. I must be getting old.

The Opening of Aria

I've been awake since 7am yesterday.. and it was 5am when I arrived at the bar. I knew he was going to be completely busy the entire time which is partially why I didn't want to go but at the same time Ai's mail to me, even though it translates as today is the grand-opening but you are not coming?, had the nuance of I don't think you are coming but I really want you to come.

On top of the bar in the same building there's a flower shop where I bought a rose with glitter on it. It was the first rose I ever bought for someone. I chose a red rose partially for the meaning and also because his favorite color is red.

As expected it was packed when I got there. I was instantly stared down by a vampire looking guy the moment I sat down. I was so tired it was hard to keep awake so I  kept drinking to keep my energy up. I was talked to by several of his staff while he was busy with each of his guests. One of the guys I talked to was a guy I met last year after Dancegroove who so kindly drove me home along with 3 other people 1year ago. It was really nice catching up. The next person was a girl I have met there before. She was soo sweet. I found out that she used to be a Daihyo of a gyaru circle in Hokkaido so we talked about event circles until she got busy again.

left: young staff right: vampire boy
From time to time Yuuki came around my area. He noticed the rose instantly and jokingly asked me where was his. He always held a mic in his back pocket because he was in charge of drinking calls and I kept taking it out or pushing it down from time to time when I was bored because the staff are all busy rushing around so sometimes there will be times where no one is talking to me. He told me he liked me playing around like that.

Eventually after a few hours the vampire boy came by the bar counter. I thought he was a customer all this time but apparently he was also part of the staff. We talked about various things like accessories and so on. Through the course of the conversation he told me I was his type. lol I guess that explains the staring. He was very nice. Ai somehow finds all these interesting charismatic people to become his staff. It`s like the people I like to talk to or get along with somehow all clustered into one area.

left: young staff right: yuuki
Yuuki came back again and gave me his coat to take care of. When he found out I went without sleep to be able to make it here and Ai had not sat with me not even once in the last 4-5hours, he wasn`t very happy. He asked if I wanted him to say something for me. While I did, I already knew it was going to be like this so I couldn`t give a clear answer. He went over to Ai and talked to him and when Ai wouldn`t come Yuuki looked a bit frustrated. He came back and said he was busy... but like he didn`t agree with it.

I later met another young staff whom seemed to be interested in event circles. When I had asked to exchange numbers so I can introduce him to a good circle he said he wasn`t allowed because I was the boss` guest. So I told him to copy down the information for Dance Groove on his phone.

Ma-san came to greet me and talked to me every time he came to the bar area. He was mostly at the table where his girlfriend was sitting and spent most of his time with her. If not, he was helping do champagne calls or serving drinks.

At around 9am the main event started. There were many speeches then each guest was allowed to pop one champagne bottle each after each of the staff popped one. Close to the last one Yuuki started the call for me with Sweet Shiena... The echo was loud so I didn`t understand much aside from that Ai said something about that I`ve known him since his host days and that he values me as his precious rival or something weird like that. After I opened my bottle, Ai opened the last one and poured it over the champagne tower. Each person, one by one poured their bottles. After it was all done the girl from the last entry, in what looks like a white wedding like dress, with ai took the first 2 glasses and drank, then followed the staff then the guests.

Ai went off somewhere I'm not sure. I sat again kind of alone at my seat when Yuuki invited me over to sit by him. I passed him a glass and asked to drink with him. He said SHIENA ONI! (shiena you're a devil because he was already dead from drinking bottles) but it was too late and everyone joined in. He just sat there defeated with the glass in his hand. I drank mine and then switched the glasses and drank his too. For some reason the staff were saying we looked like a couple. Not long after he passed out holding on to me. I drank with each of the staff that I was close to while taking care of yuuki. However, after drinking about 10 glasses I got pretty drunk and passed out too.

About 30mins later I was tapped on the shoulder by Ai looking pretty jealous. He told me to go back  my seat and said to leave yuuki alone because he's already dead. I of course listened to him. But it seems that more than any other staff he doesn't want me to be close with yuuki even though he was the one who sat me next to him the first time anyway...


When Ai came back to seat with me I handed him the rose I bought for him and took a photo. I congratulated him on his grandopening. He told me sorry that he hasn't been able to be with me because it's been soo busy.I told him its alright I knew it was gonna happen... and that's why I didn't particularly want to go to begin with but it seemed like he really wanted me there so that's why I went... He thanked me and talked to me a little about the bar he had just opened. He said hey, isn't this impressive? I finally made a place of my own and I'm planning to do much more after this. Its better than any host can ever do. (for some reason when he said host his glance seemed to be aimed at yuuki... even though yuuki isn't a host anymore..) Shortly after Ai was called and was going to go away again.. I told him I needed to talk to him about a few things.

About 5mins later he came back and took me to the stairway to talk so no one can disturb us. I told him that recently... I have been looking towards going to fashion school. However, since my mom is an assistant director of Blanche MacDonald in Vancouver and can get me a good price for a school that is world renowned, she wants me to go back to Vancouver to study. Ai had look of fear in his eyes but reserved talking to hear the rest of what I had to say. I told him that I have no intentions of going back because after weighing out the pros and cons it ends up costing relatively around the same  and I cannot handle loosing all that I've finally gained here. Ai relaxed a little. I went on to the next subject and said I have been getting really tired and my body is running down from working so hard and talked to him about a couple things because I remember him having similar problems and I wanted his advice. But it seemed like it was not too bad so that was a relief. He told me its really too bad that visas have such harsh limitations because he thinks I could be making so much more if it weren't for that... ---we heard some noise from the door, it seems like people where coming to look for him, he then grabbed me by the wrist and ran down the stairs and took me to a secluded room and closed the door. "Sorry, I think here, they won't find me"

We had already ended the conversation by then so he just sat down closing his eyes with me facing him holding his hands. The moment right now, feels good but the knowledge that it won't last long made tears stream down my face but I tried my best hold it in. We kissed and he held on to me tightly and lovingly. As our hearts connected, for a moment it felt like everything was right for the half second before he stopped and said these thoughts are dangerous. We separated and sat back in our original positions. I couldn't hold it in anymore... the emotions running through my body were too much and I bursted out in tears. He said to me with alot of feeling in his eyes, "I told you these thoughts are dangerous. It's so easy for me to kiss you, to hold you, but I know that if I did that you would feel more lonely later. See you are crying even now.. this is exactly why I tried soo hard to keep distance..."
 "I don't understand... I love you, you love me.. and we are not together. It just makes no sense to me. It's wrong"
"But I'm busy, you are busy. We don't have time to properly see eachother..."
"I made time for you. I can make time for you, but I can't be the only one trying... it doesn't work that way"
"You think its easy for me to do this? I have alot of things I have to do and I have to do them alone. Yes, I'm human too, I get lonely and want love too but if we indulge in our feelings won't it hurt when we are apart?"
"For me, this is good for me.. I'm busy too but if I could just have one day with you a month its good enough for me... Without this even.. I have nothing.. its better than nothing at all. I tried soo hard to find someone else... I really did.. but couldn't find anyone"
"That's because I refuse to loose to anyone."
"What's the point of not loosing to anyone when you don't take what you have won? Don't you think that's selfish..? To win someone over and not take them? You know how much pain you caused me last year? I was going crazy it was the first time in my life where I tried my best and couldn't win"
"I know, you are the kind of woman who wont loose to anyone either and you haven't"
"Then why?"
He went on about his weird logic about how he has to do things this way or that way and he cant have this and that because of stupid reasons over again. (dont wanna say it over again cuz its really hard to write since it makes no sense in the first place and I had already pointed out the holes in his logic, threw it back at him and then finished it off with logic that makes sense the last time we met) I told him to shut up and I didn't wanna hear it anymore.

He took me back out to the stairway. He told me his plan is to be a president of a company before he can have a relationship and that its still too early for us. I said still too early? we've known eachother for more than a year. I mean, I respect that you have this idea in your head but isn't it really your own limitations? When have I stopped you from anything? He said that I haven't but he has to do this alone and isn't it hard on me when he don't reply to my mails etc. I said isn't that your own decision? LOL (and actually I write him mails not expecting them back in return anyway because I know if I wanted to make a plan or anything that involves him doing anything or giving me an answer I have to be in front of his face where he can't avoid me) He laughed and yea, I guess it is. But his other reason again, like he said before hes afraid that if we get back together at this point, him not being able to give me enough attention might make me get too mad at him and disappear forever. I then said... I  know you want to be at a certain point in your life before you want to allow yourself to have love. But quite frankly you can't choose when love comes. It comes when it does. And if you wait too long.. well... you are very special so it will be very hard to find someone better than you and I there isn't another right now but... even though the chances are slim they are still there.. and if you wait too long you might loose something important.(aka if we are together its gonna be harder for someone to steal me away but if he keeps this up I might be taken away from him by someone in the future) This is the sentence that kinda triggered him to be a bit uneasy just like my line back in march when I said I see him alone when hes 50 if he keeps up the way he does.


We had a lighter conversation after and I said I like you better this way. You eyes are more real. I don't like it when you put on a mask. I feel like I won a bit today because I was able to break your composure today. Just to provoke him I said I won and you lost today =P He HATED that. He absolutely hates loosing. He said you didn't win, I stopped didn't I? I said so? just a little bit still makes me win =) He got frustrated because it was true. I told him again just once a month is good enough for me and if he could just try a little for me it'd be nice. At that time a the ex gyaru daihyo was going home and so was the charisma host who said that Ai is always cool and the host said thankyou to Ai and thank-you Hime-san. Ai said see you heard that? they think I'm always cool~ I said did you hear that? they think im a princess so there =P

It was already 330pm so I had to go. He walked me out. I said I need you to decide on a day. I know you give me a good discount but I can't come all the time. He told me he would get back to me on it in a mail. I said no, that won't do because you don't reply to your mails or phone calls often so pick a day (I shoved my planner on June in his face and made him pick a day) He said either the 25th or 24th I said ok! So it's decided. I won half this step but it's not a true win til I get him to actually come.

Ai... tries his best to brainwash himself with his logic and its easy when I'm not there in front of him. But when I'm there it seems hes having a harder and harder time keeping his wall up. I'm breaking him slowly but.. will I even last til I finally break him? or will something creep up and turn everything in a different direction? Who knows but all I know for now, is that I'll just have to see how this turns out.





Saturday, May 19, 2012

Dance Groove Before Party


I wasn't sure if I was going this year or not because of the timing but because things were canceled on friday night, I accidentally fell asleep at 11pm and woke up at 7am... Way earlier than I had wanted to...

I met with everyone at the shibuya bus loop and we headed to Forum in Roppongi together. When I went down the stairs and into the coat check I met with Yuminyan and Ash. Yumi got her hair dyed. She planned to go white but couldn't get all the red tonnes out and went a nice beige blonde instead. We all entered the main room and when I looked around I was very sadden by the lack of people.. I remember last year the room was FILLED with people.. what happened? But that didn't stop people from drinking and we started the party on schedule. What I wondered was where was Kai and where was Nikoru? Hakona asked if I could call Kai to see if I could get an answer because she couldn't. I had already called and couldn't reach him. I can feel Yukari glare at me for having Kai's number....

The music was great but there was no one dancing for the first couple of hours.  A little after 4 Kai arrived. He had his hair all done which made me suspect that maybe he started hosting again. Ash tried to get him to drink with her but he refused so she got me to try and I was successful. I'm still not to happy with him right now so I'm trying to distance myself from him for now. A little after Masa, Oretaku, and Shun Shun arrived. I was soooo happy to see them all! I haven't seen shunshun since the whole drama where all of mikado youth abandoned yuuki and shunshun so I gave him a big hug and took a photo. He introduced me to his host friend and I tried to convince him to join mikado. He said he would think about it. When I saw masa I was soo happy that he didn't actually shave his head because the rumors had it he would. Oretaku, of course I was happy to see. He hasn't changed one bit haha.

At around 5 Kai gathered everyone around to start the main attraction where one representative from each Dancegroove section has to do a challenge. The first challenge is to use a tissue and try to make yourself sneeze. Once you have achieved sneezing, you sit down. The last one standing looses. Bobby and Kai were particularly good at this game but Onitan followed shortly. Erisun was the last one standing so her section had to drink. The next game was mentos cola. The game is that you put a mouthful of cola in your mouth then pop in a mentos. The last one standing that doesn`t spill wins. The rest have to drink. However, mentos cola only works with mint mentos and they used cola mentos. So for the mistake Kai had to take to blame for it and he had to chug vodka. (owch!) The last game was supposed to be a a game I was supposed to participate in... The stocking game. How you play is to tie two stalkings together and put one over one`s head and another over another persons head. Then you walk away from eachother and the one who can keep the stalking on their head wins. I was horrified because there`s no way my hair would last through that. But Kai came to the rescue and last minute changed the participants so that the last set of people was 2 boys. The looser of each set went against eachother. Poor Erisun had to drink again. After this there was a birthday announcement of an OB of.. sorry I forgot... haha we got them a cake and champagne to chug. Mikado OB Shuhei whom we call peter pan because he stayed in circle life from youth til 23-24years old helped drink the most.

After the birthday wishes dance time started and everyone including the OBs and OGs danced. It was soo fun to watch. Its too bad I can`t dance parapara.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Dance Groove Tour 2012


After my hair appointment and all my errands the day before I again, did not get to sleep at all. I arrived at Shinjuku to meet with everyone. Ash and Yumi went to shinjuku before hand to get their hair done. I did mine myself since host mori is very easy to do.

Everyone, just like last year showed up in sweats and no makeup. Of course Love Gals have to show up all properly done. =) We all piled squished into the train after about 30mins of waiting for everyone to gather. We took up the entire last car and started to play drinking games on the train. It got quite loud so the train lady told us to be quiet. Just like a typical bunch of gyaru they called her an old lady and to stop being annoying. lol *sigh* gyaru

Half way through a little elementary school child entered the train and was very much welcomed into our group. (No we did not feed him alcohol lol ) We switched lines at chiba and again took over an entire car til our destination. On our walk to Casablanca,  Hashi was so drunk he kept dropping the bottles of alcohol along the way but refusedto let anyone carry them. At one point he fell soo hard his nose started to bleed... Kai was also not feeling soo well so I was trying to comfort him but he pushed me away and said that I shouldn't care about him because it makes him look weak. I said I'm your friend it's only natural to worry. He went off on how now he is daihyo he has to look strong for his peers. He cannot look weak at any point. I told him that I'm sure they dont think he is weak or at least most. He said that but some will. I shrugged my shoulders and left him alone but honestly I think that he's taking this daihyo thing way to seriously. He's become kind of a strict little bitch about things since he started this. I think he should be more concerned about showing up to meets on time and not miss any meetings more than worrying if he looks weak or not because a friend is concerned about him.It made me quite mad. Ash calmed me down and told me that he's actually been alot warmer to me than most people. It took her yelling back at him for him to soften up towards her because at the 2nd part of the first nagomi that I ended up crying at, he yelled at her for being too  nice to her juniors saying as a sempai you can't be so nice to them or else they won't respect you.

By the time we arrived it was starting to get very sunny. Everyone changed into their comfy.... erm.. comfier? clothes and we all headed towards the beach. Last year we did the dodge ball tournament on the last day because of the weather.

We were all split off into teams according to rock paper scissors. I was put in the scissors team while ash was put in the paper team. Our team leader was the daihyo of Bluff, Bobby. I was happy because I know he's very good at these games.


The dodge ball tournament started shortly and we won our first match. I'm not soo good at dodge ball other than dodging the ball LOL. So I just tried my best to avoid the ball and pass the ball to other team members to hit people haha. Our strongest members were bobby and massaki. Blaze Daihyo Kai was the leader of the paper team and kept getting hit in the groin by the ball by bobby. The 2nd time he had a look on his face what, are you serious?! AGAIN?


Our 2nd match was against the rock team. It looked we were winning at first but in the end we lost when bobby and masaki were eventually taken out. Surprisingly, Yukari was very good at catching the ball. By the end of the tournament, the Rock team was first, we were 2nd and the paper team was last. I think? The teams were all lined up again for the 2nd game. Each team was given a bottle of sochu/orange juice mix. The strength of the alcohol is decided by the results of the dodge ball tournament. The higher up your team placed the weaker the alcohol content.

The rules of this game is that you have to run from point a to point b and back while chugging the alcohol. You must run the whole team and drink the whole bottle. Whoever comes back first wins. The looser team will be thrown into the ocean.

I was uneasy about the alcohol part... I'm not very good on running and drinking without feeling sick haha. Who is I guess? All teams looked like they were evenly matched at the beginning but ash ran hard enough to put her team up by half a turn. But sprinting is actually my forte. I couldn't help much during dodge ball but I know I can do something for the team this time. I bolted and ran as fast as I could to catch up and put my team in the lead. Meanwhile I accidentally chugged over a third of the bottle. By the end of my turn my team was ahead by 2 turns and the bottle was empty by the next person so the last two only had to run. We were first place by a long shot. I felt pretty dizzy..... and drunk haha

So.... the results are the rock team at 2nd place, and the paper team at 3rd place. We were about to throw them into the ocean but Ash and one other didn't have a spare change of clothes. I was really hoping that Ash's team wouldn't be in last place because she had hair make and only had one change of clothes... but you can only try your best for your team... Lucky for her Bobby decided for the loosing teams just to chug the last bottle of sake which was stronger than any of the first 3 bottles. The loosing team had to chug the most and the 2nd place team finished off the last 3rd.

We all went back to the beach house to take a rest and clean up. Yumi-nyan and I napped til it was time to go to the BBQ. When we got outside to eat, it was already night and it got very chilly... It made me wish I brought more than just a thin dia hoddie... This year the amount of food was just perfect so we didn't have a hard time finishing all the food. Last year we had soo much that we had to force feed everyone to finish it all because gyaru don't like wasting food even though they care about being thin.


After the BBQ was the party in the bar. The music was blasting very loud and the poor dog that was there kept getting scared. He came and hid between my leg and the chair often or by Onitan. She was probably the cutest pug I had ever seen. Her face was almost all black. I was very tired but I wasn't the only one because after I opened my eyes after dozing off, 80% of the room was dead asleep while a small group of 8-10 were still playing drinking games. I kind of missed the parapara and techpara dancing from last year but the music was so loud it blew the speakers and everyone passed out not having any music to keep their energy up. A little later everyone was moved to the main room. Everyone grabbed blankets and continued to sleep til someone came back in to gather everyone to go to the beach for fireworks. This was a part that we didn't get to do last year because of the rain.


We had soo many fireworks that everyone had more than plenty to play with. My favorite one is the tako one that's in the photo here. Kai came up to me and asked if I got to play with any big ones and I said no so he passed me one. I had so much fun~ At the end I walked with Kai back to Casablanca. I told him I had alot of fun with the fireworks. He warmly replied and said he was glad. It's been awhile since I've seen him act normal in a while.. He was only warm during the Blaze/ Love Gals shinkan nagomi but since he has become daihyo, anything dancegroove related he has been cold as ice to everyone.

When we got back to Casablanca, Hiroto decided to clim into the cabinets to scare people when the came back to the main room because all the girls seemed to be scared of some sort of rumored ghost in the washroom. I told Hashi... well, well, well isn't this a perfect setting for a horror movie. A group of youths from the city out in the country side....mysterious noises heard from the bathrooms... He told me to stop and that it was giving him the creeps.  Ash and Yumi also decided to climb into the cabinets. When everyone came they jumped out and scared everyone. Again, everyone was tired so they all wanted to curl up and sleep but Onitan would not have any of that so she started the nagomi. Shortly after everyone started to join in. Not long after there was a loud noise and the sound of a window break. The girls in the area screamed and ran to our side of the room. From what I can see there was glass everywhere and Masaki with blood all over his arm. Erisun and a couple other girls were almost in tears. They thought it was a ghost. I have no idea what was going on... but Onitan told everyone to just continue the nagomi and that the people involved will sort it out.

A little longer Ash and I were called out from the nagomi. Our natsuki seemed to have ran away somewhere... We all thought she was sleeping our room but she had ran off. We tried searching for her but we couldn't find her... I'm sure shes ok...? right? I hope.?

Later into the night we found natsuki she was by our door sobbing. Neither Yumi, Ash nor I knew what was going on. It seemed that saki and a couple others might have known but we were not let in on it. All we know is that something must have happened because there was a twig in her hair. We comforted her til we got the key to go into the room where we got her to lie down and rest.We returned to the nagomi a little longer til I told yumi I had wanted to take off my contact lenses because I had had them on for over 24hrs straight. When we got back to the room Natsuki had awoken. She wouldn't tell us what happened but she seemed to be ok which was the most important part. Hyori wanted to play cards but unfortunately none of us carried them on us. Kai came soon after to check up on Natsuki and after seeing that she was fine we all decided to go back to the nagomi. Kai sat next to me and played most of the way like that. But him coming in late made him a target and he was made to drink alot. He got very drunk by the time some of the friends of the owner came to join our drinking party. I drank with them most of the time after while holding on to their dog. She was the cutest thing ever~ One of the guys who is very close to the Blaze OB who is in charge of Casablanca told me since he is good friends with him, he will never forgive masaki for breaking the window.

At some point a whole bottle of sake spilled on the floor so I went to the washroom to get paper to clean it up. I stopped at where Kai was because I was trying to figure out a way to get to the other side when he pushed him and said You are not needed here! go over there and be useful. Talk to them I got mad and said THAT'S WHERE IM GOING STUPID. I was pretty mad at kai. I don't know how it all started but Kai ended up acted like an idiot flopping all over the place and Natsuki tried to calm him down and they ended up fighting... like literally fighting. The blaze ob came in and stoped Kai and Natsuki. When he got Natsuki to stay put he slapped kai across the face and lectured him. As Daihyo of Blaze he has got to be more responsible... Something along those lines... I understand Kai's pressure but at the same time, he is definitely not handling the pressure well... As much as Kai deserved the slap in the face, I don't think he will improve like that... In fact I think it might make things worse. Kai eventually passed out with Yakari hanging all over him.

I talked with Bobby and a few others who lasted til the end of the nagomi. I wasn't there to see it but apparently the guy I was talking to earlier who said he would not forgive Masaki hit him and there was alot of drama going on about that. There was really nothing any of us at the moment could do so we all just headed back to our rooms to rest a little before breakfast. I woke up and woke up everyone on time for food. I guess not sleeping much on the regular basis made it easier to get up. We packed up everything after breakfast and waited outside for awhile before we finally headed home after saying our goodbyes to the Blaze OB. What a dramatic Tour.... It ended up being almost as fun as last years but with all the drama this year it was quite tiring. I really miss some of our charisma characters like Masa, OreTaku, and Okun that graduated and some of our other main members who couldn't make it it like Nikoru and Mikachin + the rest of Love Gals...




Saturday, May 5, 2012

Everything Made Clear

May 5th 2012

Yuuki and I agreed to meet sometime in the morning (this plan was made the last time I was at the bar) but I think his phone was out of service or out of battery so I was in kabukicho at 6am in the morning with nothing to do. I figured the bar normally closes at 9 so I would try to go there around then but the problem is that Ai would definitely be there. While I still love Ai very much and I don`t really know anything about Yuuki, Ai really pissed me off last time to the point I was considering giving up on him if Yuuki turns out to be interesting. However the main problem is getting in contact with Yuuki without Ai knowing. Because while I`m unsure if he truly still loves me, I had an odd feeling there`s a high chance that he would be mad or jealous. I wandered around in the rain outside for about 30mins when I ran into an old friend Toujo (do you remember him? he's the one who said over a year ago he will be fluent in english within a week  because he is a genius ) With about 2.5 hours to kill, I accepted the offer of a 2 hour shokai for a host club named Pearl FOR FREE. LOL I don`t really like going to host clubs but it was the cheapest option. I mean.. its FREE lol. The business must be doing very poorly if there`s this many 500yen or FREE shokais around.

So I entered the club at around 630am and was first sat with a boy named... um.. I don`t remember LOL. He was the most nervous thing ever he was kinda driving me nutz at first. He was kind of trying too hard like, if I didn`t respond cheerfully and quickly he lost his confidence and would change the subject. I was sat with him for about an hour and a half then they finally changed him. The second person named Kazuto was much easier to talk to. Anyway at around 840 I left the club to the bar.

When I entered the Lee building there was a host in front of me who was staring at me as if he was sure I was going where he was going. He stopped in front of Triple A (an Air group club) and invited me in. I smirked as I walked passed him with his ego broken to pieces. I headed to Aria and when I got to the door there was alot of noise so it definitely wasn`t over yet. I opened the door and took a peek. I opened the door a girl was there. I asked if she could bring Yuuki to the door to ask him what's up. But at that time Ai walked by and saw me. Before I could close the door he held it open. He had over heard me asking for Yuuki and questioned me why I wanted to talk to him, what did I want with him and told me that he was busy in a snappy tone. He told me to come in but I said I don't have money. He said not even 3000yen? I said no... I don't.. (well I do but I have some bills to pay soon so I wanna be on the safe side) He asked me what the hell was I spending my money on. I told him quite frankly tuition, then there's regular living expenses such as phone bill, rent and so on. Since he knows how much each of those costs for me, after hearing my tuition price he said that still don't add up. I told him but just making just enough for tuition isn't good enough. If I can I need to save even more because I'm considering going to fashion school afterward. So I think its best to be cautious. He mentioned something about the direction he is heading in his work. Something about an expansion of his company and trying to figure out if he can try to get me a work visa somehow.... It was very difficult to understand because though my Japanese has improved significantly, technical terms and the way Ai speaks is still difficult to understand. After about 5mins of that, he said you know what just come in. I said but.. I don't have money.. he got a tone of frustration in his voice and grabbed me firmly by the wrist and led me to a table and lightly but firmly pushed me so that I'd fall into my seat. He told me he wants to talk to me about something later.

A few tears came down my face a little for some reason. Is he mad at me? Was I causing him more stress or problems somehow by being here?  He came back with a bottle of whiskey and water and made me a drink then went off somewhere. When he came back he said hey, I want you to sit over there with these important customers and told me to talk to them. I drank and talked with them til the bar closed. One person lived in Australia for 6years and had just came back recently. We spoke in english most of the time.

At around 12pm everyone left and it was just the staff, Ai and I. Ai was about to led me out the door when I reminded him that he said that he had wanted to talk to me. I told him I have time so I don't mind waiting.  I don't know what happened but there was some dispute going on with this one particular girl. I was in the washroom at the time so I didn't see what was going on but their voice started raise and when I opened the washroom door I saw him throwing her out of the bar. He then picked up her things and threw them out with her. He then locked the door. She was crying and whining and making alot of noise. I couldn't really understand most of what was going on but all I heard was Ai saying something about "You know I hate lairs". He went out again after 5mins and there was more yelling. I haven't seen Ai's eyes turn so cold before... It really scared me. It's definitely the first time I ever really seen him angry. I asked Ma-san if that was normal for him. Does he get angry often... I mean I've never seen him mad before but at the same time I never had a time where I saw him everyday either... Ma-san told me its rare. Ai hardly ever gets mad but this time he has a pretty good reason. No one could explain to me what was going on though... I wonder what she did that caused him to get so angry... It kind of makes me feel like he treats me a little differently because no matter how harsh I say things to him and no matter what bad things I say he just smiles gently, nods and says sorry, my bad.

Yuuki, Hana, and Ma-san continued to clean the bar and do closing duties. When Ai came back he was talking to Ma-san about it. After awhile she was let back in the bar. She sat down and sobbed the entire time. When everyone was done closing the bar, Ai told her she needs to leave but she would not get out of her seat. He used a really harsh tone with her and kept telling her she needs to get out and she just wouldn't move. "I need you to leave. I have something to talk to Shiena about. I can't do that with you still here and I also don't have much time. So leave." She kept talking. He kept saying ok, I don't care leave. Ok, now, please leave. Stop talking please leave. He finally got her to get up and said sorry to his staff but if they could take her off his hands for a bit. The rest of them left with her to Nodens.



After everyone left, Ai sat down and asked me to sit down too. I was unsure where to sit so when I was about to sit down across from him because lately it seemed like he was unreachable... he shook his head and asked me to sit next to him. He explained further in depth about his plans for his company and how he has been thinking about a way to get me a work visa through it all. he told me it will take some time but he wants to help me in the end. After talking about that he had to pick up a phone call from the girl he yelled at earlier. It turned into a bit of a longer conversation because she won't stop repeating herself. He kept saying things really straight to the point on how right now,  he is really starting to hate her and that he doesn't want that to happen so please just stop talking.This is when it was even more clear to me that if he dislikes someone he tells it straight up.

Finally when he got off the phone, we went on about other things. I noticed his eyes had returned back to their soft, sweet and caring self as I hugged him and held on to his hand.He started to close his eyes while listening and talking to me as I stroked his back and hair to relax his stressed body .  His body movements were as if he were aroused... strange? I thought he had 0 sex drive.. While were together, the last 3months of our relationship he didn't kiss me, he didn't hold me, he didn't touch me at all other than holding my hand. When I got frustrated and tried to kiss him he wouldn't do more than a peck. While stroking  his hair we somehow fell sideways into the seat that lead to him being on top of me. He pinned me down and we kissed... rather.. passionately. 0_0 When he stopped to look at me. I gave him a look of confusion and shock. We continued to kiss a little more and he started to reach down and pressed his body against mine when I stopped him and said um.. isn't here a little yabai? (mr. I'm too shy to kiss in public or do.. you know.. anywhere but in hotel or a bedroom. Mr. hosting broke me and I don't really have that much interest in sex)  He said yeah.. you're right. I was in shock. How is it that someone who seemed like he had not even a remote libido suddenly acted like a normal guy. I asked him that and he said I am a guy you know. I said yes I know that but the last 3months while we were still dating you never once touched me.

Ai: That.... It`s not like I didn`t want to touch you... I wanted to.. I really did... but I couldn`t... It was because I knew the time was coming that I won`t be able to have time to see you. If we touched... if I held you, and kissed you.. we would get even closer and I didn`t want to hurt you because you are so important to me so I little by little tried to distance myself from you.

Me: WHAT?! you mean.. you did that on purpose? You know how much you tortured me??? I thought you didn't like me. No matter how hard I tried nothing worked and it was all on purpose?! You know how much hell you put me through?! I felt like I nearly died. My visa was running out at that time, I had to nearly starve to death and ran my body to the ground to save up money for school to get another visa while people overseas were tormenting me online non-stop for half a year making up all these hurtful lies, stalking me, threatening me and causing me to have to hide myself from the internet.  And I had to go through this all alone thinking you didn't care about me.

Ai: I know, I know, I'm sorry. But even now I don't have time and you also don't have time. Right now its very important for me to get my work established and running well. I'm running 3 bars right now under self employment. Yeah you are right, I do get lonely. You're right, I don't want to end up all alone. There are times where I have feelings just like any normal guy like I want this girl. I want to hold her and be with her but I don't have the privilege of time to do that.  Back when we were together, you were lonely because I didn't have time for you. I now have even less time than then... I thought this way, I don't hold you down while I have no time for you.

Me: What use is that...? I'll tell you this, I went on SOOOOO many dates. I mean SOOO many dates and yes ALL of them are ikemen some even gorgeous (Ai knows I love him most for his personality and his singing voice rather than his looks because I honestly found him borderline ugly when I first met him and I've gone on dates with guys 10x prettier than him)and  yet I could not find anyone else... Every time I came close liking someone they also don't have time or they disappear. It might be because I like ambitious men...and also... because I am a strange person it's very hard for me to find someone I like...

It seemed that finally my words to him last time about balance being the best and the scary concept of him being all alone in the end kinda finally kicked in a little. He finally sorta agreed that if it is possible a little balance is can be good. He saw that I was trying soooooo hard to see him that it touched him and  yeah, this feeling right now, here, the two of us is so relaxing and feels soo good. I told him that even though we are both busy, even just ten minutes a day, seeing eachother would be good enough for me. I'm busy too so I don't have much time but just a few minutes a day and maybe a date here and there like once a month or something would be nice wouldn't it? He agreed. I said I know you are going to be busy with the grand-opening that;s coming up there won't be any free time but in the future.. if we lived together what I said earlier would be not hard to do. I suggested that he live in shinjuku instead of saitama so that he could save time from traveling. He told me being so busy it'd be impossible at the moment but in the future when things die down a little it would be something to greatly consider. But until then it's going to be rough when it comes to seeing eachother....

We talked some more about lighter stuff til we fell asleep holding each other.  It felt soo nostalgic.. It was just like old times where he would sleep over at my house. At around 5:30pm, we woke up and started to leave. When we opened the door the girl from earlier was there. It nearly scared us. He gently said lets all go home as the 3 of us exited out. The weather was nice for once and we headed to shinjuku station. Somehow at the crosswalk he disappeared and the girl and I wonder where he went.

I got home at about 630pm. It took me a while to digest this all but finally everything makes sense. The reasons why he would be talking about living together and being happy like nothing is wrong and even tried to see me even closer than normal and then suddenly disappearing. Why he would never return my mails yet is able to recite them back to me to a T. Why his eyes told me he loved me but his words were so cold or if what  he said matched his eyes, his actions didn't. It was all because he was purposely trying to make things easier on me by removing himself away from me awhile. But being the stubborn bitch I am, It made me try harder. It must have hurt him having to do what he did. Though nothing has changed in terms of our status... I felt like I won something that day. I finally broke his guard and got him to spill out his true feelings. There's a long way to go and I don't know where are going to end upbut it's worth a shot I guess? Its not like I have anyone else.

But what I really have to say is HAH! to everyone who talked shit and fed me all these doubtful feelings about him being a lying bitch who's after my money. He has NOTHING to gain from me other than my love. He's got to be the most pure at heart man I ever met that wasn't naive.  I feel alot better knowing I wasn't crazy and my intuition wasn't wrong because everything I read off of him was 100% correct. Damn is it ever confusing when peoples actions or words don't match up with their feelings.








Vocabulary

There might be some random foreign words written through-out my entries so here`s the translations

Sa-jin= A person in a gyaru-circle
Sa-life= life in a circle

Ue-dai= People in their graduating year in a circle *senior)
Naka-dai= People in their middle year in a circle Junior
Shita-dai= People in the first/begining year in a circle.  Freshman
(of course there are strange times where this is all messed up when a person is there for more than 3years)
OG= someone who already graduated who is a girl
OB= someone who already graduated who is a boy
Otsukare./Otsukare sama desu= In normal Japanese its used like a job well done at the end of work or meeting or something but in Gyaru culture its used as a greeting and a goodbye. Used both in the traditional sense and as for a hello, its because whatever you were doing must have been work so now its play when you meet with your circle even though planning events is a lot of work too
Aisatsu= to greet someone, show your face at an event or w/e
Nomikai= A meeting of people where they drink
Nagomi= A gyaru-circle word for a particular kind of nomikai where people sit around in a circle and play drinking games in which if you loose you have to iki the drink. other uses of the word is Let`s Nagomu! Are you going to the Nagomi?
Iki= is where you chug a drink in one shot
Drinking Call= A call/ or chant/ or song when someone is made to iki
Nijikai= Is a kind of way to say after party. When whatever you were doing before ends and you are going for round two. There are also times where there's a Sanjikai (after, after party) Yonjikai (after, after, after party) etc...
All= (we had to do an all. etc) stands for all-nighter.


Wa-fu= Eastern like.
Yo-fu= Western like.

Wan-chan= when someone is undecided about going or not going/doing or not doing something
Kamacho= Comes from the phrase kamatte chodai, It basically means when someone is being super eager to do something. Overly excited. For example, when the meeting time is at 3pm the person arrives at 12. Or when a deadline is in 3 weeks and they finish everything in 2 days. In short someone who is overly eager.

High Tension= Hyper, energetic, super happy
Medium Tension= Average energy
Low Tension= calm, tired or possibly could be read as sad or depressed

Daihyo= Representative. In a Gyaru-sa its the leader. In a Host club I THINK its like a upper management position.

Shinkan= A nomikai for new members in a circle. Not just gyaru circles but normal Daigaku (university) circles
Bonenkai= End of the year nomikai
Shinnenkai= Beginning of the year nomikai

Nampa= when a guy hits on a girl (gakunan/gakunampa= when a girl hits on a guy )
Charai= flirty
Charao=playboy (Charai onna is what is used for playgirl)
Karui= Shallow
Yariman= slut
Yarichin= guy who wants sex too much
Kimoi/kimochiwarui= makes me feel sick, feels bad. (of course Kimochi is feels good)

Dassai= gross, disgusting usually about a person or an object
Darui= bad, low-down. For example when it constantly rains it, brings your mood down you would say ame darui!

Sujimori= the kind of hair style in which host and kyaba have
Mesh= Highlights or lowlights
Exte= Extensions (Hair)

Morriteiru= when someone looks better than normal
Motteru= when someone is popular amongst the opposite sex
Ikemen= Handsome guy
Bijin= beautiful girl
Bihaku= Beautiful white skin
Hade= Loud/Flashy fashion normally.
Oshare= Fashionable/Trendy
Koi-faced= used for someone with strong features (Kao ga koi)
Usui-kao= used for someone with weak features
Kawaii-kei= cute kind of _____ (guy, girl, fashion style, hair etc)
Kirei-kei= pretty "
Cool-kei/Kakkoi-kei= Cool "
Kireme= when something is of that style but made more beautiful. Like beautiful-ized? kind of hard to explain.

Shokai= Introduction. When in the service industry, whether it be hair salons, host clubs, kyabakuras, etc it means introductory rate which tends to be quite a large discount
Boy-san= Someone who cleans tables, takes away glasses, seats customers at either a host club or kyabakura
Catch-person= Someone who catches customers normally for bars, izakaya, host clubs/kyabakuras
Scout= Someone who scouts people for particular jobs either it be nightwork or talent agency.
Player= Someone who is actively part of the cast of a club. Like in a host or kyabakura it would be a host or a kyabajo. Other jobs such as boy-san or daihyo etc is not consider a player.


Other things like different fashion sects like Ora ora, Visual kei, or types of places like Izakaya, Kobini (konbinya ), ramenya etc you prob know or can find quickly on wiki.