Saturday, March 31, 2012

Tokyo Decadance White

After being in Japan for a year and a half, one wonders why this is my very first Tokyo Decadance Event. Honestly, I haven't a clue because Tokyo Decadance is AWESOME!

The plan for today was to go to the Mikado Youth's Event with Stephanie and Ash but the event canceled and Steph's photoshoot got rescheduled so that I couldn't meet her in the end. T_T As for Mikado Youth; from what I heard there was some sort of conflict between the younger generations and the graduating leaders. It must have been big whatever it was because everyone cept for one person other than the 2 leaders up and disappeared right before their graduation. No one paid their part and the event was canceled. I can't believe they did that to Shun Shun and Yuuki. Especially anyan who was supposed to be graduating this year as well. But bottom line it was canceled so in the end we only ended up doing our evening plans.

Ash has been low on money for some reason I can't remember why somehow... but I told her I'd lend her the 3000yen for entrance if she would come with me and Mayumi. She said well if my makeup turns out right I'll go. As soon as she said that I knew it would work because once she starts getting ready for something there's only a very small chance that she would not end up going after all that effort. Sure enough, she did end up coming with us. I wore the halloween costume I wore on my first halloween out in japan and a mask that my mom bought me in vegas. Its an all white event so in which case I win because I have soooo much white in my wardrobe. Ash wore a school uniform and borrowed my silver skirt and mayumi wore a cute white dress.

We all took purikura before going and lined up outside of Christon Cafe at around 11ish. It was easy to find because of all the crazy looking people outside. When we got in the hallway there was a wardrobe inspector that was hilarious she will compliment you up and down when you dressed in the dress code but freak out if something is missing like black shoes.. ahhh cuuuuuuuutee ahh! what is that! black shoes why?! lol

When we got inside I was in awe on how beautiful everything was. Everyone in costumes and the atmosphere was awesome!~ Everyone was also very friendly and it was very easy to make friends. Because Rin was wearing a wig and not in her usual black goth clothing, at first alot of people mistook me as her. I also didn't recognize her at first either only that I thought she was cute so I looked at her a bit longer than normal and she recognized me.

The event was not just non stop awesome music but there were some shows and performances in between. I was completely blown away by Kaya and Selia's voices and was in complete bliss. Then there were the magic shows and the crazy stunts that the decandance crew pulled like firecracker needles in the arm, nailing a tongue to a piece of wood, crazy gluing a hand to a heavy metal.......whatever it is. haha

At around 3am Club Prince came and preformed. It was my first time seeing Club Prince Live~ they're so entertaining. After their performance, they wandered around as normal guests so I was able to get a photo with Yuuga even though it came out very blurry. He was very calm and nice when I met him. In the mid section of the main floor near the stairway to the decadance bar there were many vendors with lots of interesting things. I kind of wanted the costume lashes with roses on them but I didn't have 2500yen to spare when I was covering Ash for the night. While browsing through random things I locked eyes with a very pretty faced host with a blonde streak. We were about to talk to eachother when a guy cut in between and wanted to take a million photos with me. The pretty boy patiently waited for the man to finish. We chilled out on the side talking. His name was Kaname. We exchanged contact before I went upstairs to wander around a little. I then met a very interesting flamboyant person named adyee who is a Filipino who grew up in Japan. He was soo sweet and we exchanged facebook information. The whole night was lots of drinking and lots of dancing. I danced til my legs were sore but it was soo fun. There was alot of interesting characters through-out the night. One that was espeicially memorable was a macho freeza (yes by freeza I DO mean the dbz character) who wore frilly underwear, guarder and stockings who was a normal macho man otherwise.

We left the club after the after party at around six. It was soooooo fun

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Harajuku with Juno

I got to Harajuku around 3:30ish and met up with Juno.At first I was very nervous about this date because prior to, he asked me what I wanted to do on our date. I left it up to him til he suggested exercising around the park. Like playing frisbee or something... I was totally not into that at all because I don't even own proper shoes or clothing for that.

Juno and I went walking around in Harajuku for awhile and looked at closet child. He told me that he used to be very into this kind of thing when he was younger but now he has been thinking about toning it down. Though I do think its amazing that he is still soo fashionable while being a real-estate agent? We took our time looking through shops as I searched for a new umbrella. I couldn't find one in the end sadly....

He then took me to Calbee Chips where they made chips in front of your eyes. He ordered a couple flavors and they were both delicious. While sitting, talking and eating he told me that he was getting kind of tired because he is old ( I think its around 26 ) and that he wanted to relax in the park. So we headed to Yoyogi Koen as it started to drizzle. Because it was raining we decided to go to Shibuya instead. We went to Karaoke and hoped that the rain would stop. I was really surprised he didn't buy an umbrella. Most fashionable guys would buy one because they are deathly afraid of rain ruining their hair. I didn't have money to buy one so I was a bit miserable without my umbrella since my hair was definitely getting ruined.

When we got into Karaoke we just sang non stop for about 2.5 hours. He really didn't sing well but it was really fun singing with him because hes good at death screaming. (hes a guitarist so he dont need to sound good to be technical)  Because we both like Vkei, we sang lots of vkei songs. I also screamed too. It was my first time able to death scream here and there. We must have  been soo noisy to anyone outside our room HAHA. He got soo excited when I sang older songs like Mabue by Kagrra.

After Karaoke we parted ways because he had an appointment with a client. I had alot of fun but definitely more like a friend.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

My birthday with Ai + Sanrioland With Love Gals!

I was waiting for Ai nearly all day for him to get a quiet time in his work so he can sneak out for a hour to come visit me to where I was drinking. I waited for his contact forever but a couple hours before closing he finally came. Everyone noticed as he walked in with a bouquet of flowers. I was surprised... 0_0 I definitely wasn`t expecting that. I was soo happy I could almost cry. I shyly sat close to him as we drank and talked. There was karaoke available so I asked if he would sing for me. He first started with a Gackt song and then I think he was thinking about a T.M song whenI wanted him to sing a song just for me since its my birthday. He smiled and said Oh of course! I know what song I should sing then.

He picked Happy Greetings by Kinki Kids. He changed all the greetings to Happy Birthday except one.. which was Happy Wedding. I was thinking what does that supposed to mean?  =_=;l; way to tease my heart again. He was short on time so we took some photos, relaxed and talked some more. He said that he had something give me. "I'm not sure if the size would fit or not because it used to be mine but here" He took out a ring which he used to wear everyday. I found out later that it was a ring he had custom made for him. (other people thought it was Royal Order or Vivienne ) I thought wow... a bouquet and a ring not exactly a normal gift choice from an ex.What in the world is going through that guys head I do not know.
 The roses were blue which has a very complex meaning. In short the giver views the receiver as something admirable, mysterious and unobtainable.

I was soo happy I could not stop smiling even when he had to go. The sad part is even though its not like we got back together or anything for a few days my body felt like as if I had a boyfriend. Sadly, I don't... sucks

Sanrio with Love Gals
Ash and I got up early to get our hair done at Loove in Shinjuku. I wanted to get an old Sakurina set but I couldn`t find the picture so I used a simular looking set that the girly looking member of Kiyruu had but asked for it bigger. It took awhile for the hairset lady to figure out the right arrrangement for the bows but it all turned out well. I even had enough time to get my shoes re-heeled before we all headed towards Tama Center together. It was a longer train ride than expected but we all still made it in time.

When we got to Puroland, I was in awe on how much this world is just... ME LOL As we lined up for the first ride all the little kids were looking at me with thier eyes wide and mouth wide open. I wasn`t sure as to why til one said she thought I was a princess. I guess thats the reaction you get when you wear sweet lolita in sanrioland. It`s amazing how much of a fit it was. We finally got to ride on the first ride that was much like the its a small world ride at disneyland. All our favorite characters appeared and since cinnamoroll`s birthday is this month there was alot of him which made me happy because he is my favorite character. After the ride we got a call that Miki finally arrived so we back to the entrance to pick her up. 

Since everyone was hungry the next place we went to was the cafeteria. All the food of course was expensive but I finally decided to get spagetti with miki. Later on ash bought me a small dessert that came with a Cinnamoroll cup. It was soooooo cuuuute! The next attraction that we went to was Kitty-chan`s house. Before lining up we all piled in to her car and took a photo. When we got inside of KT`s house we took many many photos. It made me think how it`d be nice if we could have had a photoshoot here just like old-times when VanElegance would meet up and take tons of photos. Too bad there`s no puroland in Vancouver though... When we got to the kitchen Ash had a great idea to take a picture to make it look like we were holding a Love Gals meeting at KT`s house. At the end of the tour we got to take a picture with KT herself.


Time was starting to run out as Puroland closes at 6. I wanted to find cinnamoroll.... So we all went up to his cafe but he was no where to be found. In the gift shop by the cafe there were soo many cinnamoroll plushies. This is when I wish I had money because I wanted the big one soo badly. When we exited out Ash told me that she couldn`t afford the big one but would a little one do? I was extremely happy and took my new plushie and attached it on my phone. She laughed because of its size it was more of a plushie to stick on your bag than your phone.. I mean... It was BIGGER than my phone haha. But we are gyaru~ what do you expect?

We returned to the cafe all tierd. I had not slept in over 24hrs and was very sleepy. Yumi-nyan after hearing all the gifts Ash bought me felt like she had to buy one too so she bought me a kitty shaped doughnut. It was started to get late and the park was closing soon so we decided to take some purikura at a near by game centre and call it a day.

We didn't have any time but I really wanted to take a set of purikura with just me and ash today. We used to take them all the time and lately we haven't really been taking any. Ash was very tierd and kinda didn't want to esp since she forgot her makeup at home and couldn't do her regular touch ups through-out the day like she normally does. So I said how about we stop by home first then just pick the nearest game cen to our house take the purikura and then rest? I got her to agree with it so when we got home I picked up the flowers ai gave me and we went to a game cen in sentagai and took purikura. On our way home I thanked her for making my bday so special. It was very nice to be able to spend the whole day with just my girls in a magical land that matched my wardrobe haha. I don't think I could have asked for a better birthday celebration.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Goth Gene 2 + Finally Working up the courage to go to Ai's bar

Ash had an important meeting with SDF so Ash couldn't make it to meet with us at first but she said that she would come see us after. I met with Mayumi at at about 9pm in Shinjuku. We decided since last time we arrived so late that we wanted to be there earlier this time. Also, since it's not like Atom where getting drinks is easy as cake, Mayumi wanted to pre-drink. Neither of us had money so I suggested there is one way to get really cheap nomihodai. Normally Host clubs shokai is 3000yen. But if you go at the right time and get caught by them, the average is 1000yen. But sometimes you can get them for as low as 500yen. One time I had an offer of 100yen but I didn't feel like going.

So it was a competition to see who can give us the cheapest deal. The best we got was a club that's last day in the building they are in is today so their price is 500 for the 2 of us. We said we will head there after eating dinner. We both went up to a Ramenya and ate 400yen ramen as we talked about things. Apparently she had never gone to a host club before. Up til now I haven't gone to many and the last time I went was last April.. as in almost one year ago. Its good once in a while to use them as cheap nomihodai.

On our way to that club that we decided on we got caught by a catch person outside of Prince Club who offered 2hours one set for FREE. I was like FREE?? I've heard cheap before but FREE?? are you serious?? We were about to turn away thinking it was a scam but he was very assertive and shoved us into the elevator and sent us up.

We sat down and were handed a towel. The course we choose was 3 cocktails +1 bottle of shochu + owari. (chaser stuff you use to mix with alcohol) The first person who sat down was a visual-kei guy. He acted just like a doll. Next to him was a poodle haired ugly stupid boy named Shibuya. I know it must be hard for them but Shibuya boy got on my nerves and Dolly vkei boy was soo easy to talk to. We all talked about vkei and shibuya felt really left out. He kept reaching from under the table to hold my hand and I kept pulling my hand away. Dolly boy laughed each time. I was observing their working styles just for fun. Dolly boy was definitely about grace and conversation whereas shibuya is about touching and being a man-whore. Of course when it was time up for dolly boy he got replaced by a sweet young boy and shibuya got replaced by another... I don't really remember anyone much in between but eventually on Mayumi's side Mao from the Prince Club entertainment group came and sat and we talked about the up coming White Decadance Event and if he was preforming.

Each host that got rotated through told us that we have up to 2 free jourai shimes. So I picked my first one from the boy menu. I really had no care as to who sat by me but it would be nice to talk to a pretty face. His name was seira. He was soo handsome in the book but when he arrived to the table I was shocked on how different he looked. He looked beautiful in the book but in person he looked like a squirrel. Haha. He was ok to talk to nothing special nothing bad. After awhile he had to leave the table too. Eventually a guy named Yuuki got rotated through and I thought he was the prettiest. He also was very good at conversation too. His movements were cool and graceful as well so he was my 2nd jourai shime. Mayumi, though I explained to her that she could pick up to 2 for free, I guess she didn't get it and complained why was she getting only the ugly ones..? I told her that's why I used the jourai shimes. The next person to arrive was an ex-sa-jin from s-cube. We had lots of fun talking about sa-life and mayumi joined into the conversation too.

It was about come to time so we were asked to pick who would send us off. I picked Yuuki and Mayumi picked Senri. When Senri came Mayumi was like OMG its the squirrel! I can't believe I picked him. I only got nervous and picked the one on the card I thought was cute. She did not like being around him and was not happy exchanging contact with him. He was a kawaii kei type and was all happy saying REALLY?? ME?? you picked me?? but you didn't talk with me is that OK? Mayumi was all ==;; Meanwhile Yuuki sat next to me and I told him as we exchanged contact that I am not a person who goes to hosts clubs and quite frankly I only came here because I got in on free shoukai and wanted to drink/pass-time before the club. You are welcomed to contact me but don't bother with sales because I won't be coming back. He told me he knew just by looking at me I'm not a customer type and he thanked me for being straightforward so as to not waste his time/energy on trying to get me to go the club for him.

We entered Axxcis around 12ish and met up with Rin. We danced a little here and there and I asked Rin where was Katsuya. (Though I started to like him he didn't respond to contact often and he kind of disappeared. I started to wonder if he only cared about me for getting me to go to goth gene under his guest or something but nevertheless I have a drawing of him that I made with a shirt design that I designed just for him so I wanted to at least give it to him) Rin told me that he won't arrive until around 3am. We met another guy with silver hair who was crazy when he danced. He was soo cute and sexy when he was dancing on the pole. He was able to do the splits on the pole and spiral slide down. It was soo cuuuuuute.

A little further in, Kentarou from Men's Knuckle came in and our eyes met from across the room. He motioned me to come to him. I guess why not? So I went up to him and we talked a little about some random things. He said I talked a little odd so I told him I'm foreign and he was shocked. Although Kentarou was my favorite model in Mens Knuckle, I got a bit creeped out by the way he talks to a girl in a club. Normally because the music is soo loud you would have to talk into the person's ear. He would do that by going in straight towards your face as if he was about to kiss you, pass it and then talk into your ear. I didn't like that because I don't know him well, model or not that's just invasive. Mayumi thought the same when she said OMG what hell was he doing did he just kiss you? (from her angle it must have looked that way) Nevertheless I got to drink a bunch because he invited me back to their table at sometime for rounds of drinks. We exchanged contact a little later and sent mails back and forth  here and there. I think he is someone who would be interesting as a friend but definitely nothing more even IF the occasion arose. He's very S btw.

Rin and I kept getting more and more complements that we look-alike. It was not only my friends who were telling me that she looked like me but it was her friends who told her that I look like her. We decided from now on we will be sisters. She introduced me to people as her sister haha. So yay~ I have a big sister now!

Katsuya arrived around 3 as Rin said and I gave him the drawing. He was really happy about it and took it but we didn't talk much further than that. I ended up actually talking to Juno the entire time. Last time I talked to Juno he was more interested in getting his friend to talk to us but apparently he is just shy. His type is gyaru. He was soo kind so when he went up to DJ totally danced it all out. I had alot of fun as he tried to teach me some of the moves for some of the songs. I really suck at co-ordinated dancing even if its just hand movements.

We stayed until the very end. I was disappointed that Katsuya pretty much ignored most of the time. I guess he really didn't care about me after all. Oh wells~ Still had lots of fun without him. At the end the pole dancing guy gave me a signed poloriod of himself. I LOOVE poloriods so I was very happy.

I walked Mayumi to the Fukutoshin Line. She told me that I didn't have to and that she could go home on her own but I had something else in mind and I wanted some time to think about it while I walked so I was in no hurry to go home. I walked Mayumi to the station as we talked a little. I really want to bring her confidence up more because she is soo pretty and she deserves to be treated better and not be stuck with the ugly guys all the time. I want her to be able to win her type over. Anyways we arrived there sometime around 5:30 and I sent her off.

After I sent her off I called Ai. I think today I finally have the courage to finally go. My hair is freshly dyed, my outfit is super cute and my hair is perfect. I have been meaning to go since December. First to surprise him on his birthday but I didn't have time. 2nd to go on Christmas but that didn't end out working out though I had almost wish I went because Christmas sucked at the club this time around. Then again on Valentines Day but I felt too embarrassed and then again on what would have been our one year anniversary (march 8th) but didn't end up going again. But since the phone call I finally gathered enough confidence to go. Ai actually picked him his phone this time around and I asked him if he was there. I said to myself that I would go if he is in the shinjuku bar but if he is in the akihbara one I would not go. He told me he is there and that he would pick me up because its hard to get to. I waited for him in the cold for at least 30mins in front of jinja that had lots of fox statues in shinjuku, When he finally came I was nearly as frozen as a Popsicle. Late again, but that's nothing new.

The bar is located right next to the Maid Cafe Ai took me to on our date that lead to us dating after and the day we first fought after dancegroove2011. Going up the elevator I noticed that one of his crosses was missing.  As soon as we sat down he poured me a glass of champagne. I had so much to talk to him about. In short I lectured him for 3hours. He gave his excuses, I broke them down by logic, he gave me more excuses, I threw more logic at him. He tries to escape by making me drink more.

His "logic" if you would even call it that, is that he is getting old and he has alot of things he needs to do.  (at age 26 he says this.)He cannot marry yet because he wants to be at a certain point in his life before he gets married and he is a "pure boy" (I laughed so hard because he said this in english and it sounds soo awkward even though this is the only point that actually has logic) He said he considers me his precious rival so he needs me to do things on my own and wants to do everything on my own. He wants to be able to keep watching me but  if lets say we do get married or get back together, with the little time he has now we might end up fighting and I might disappear forever and he doesn't want that because he wants to be a creep and watch me like some sort of boy with an ant farm. Sorry but I'm not some sort of science project where you watch it grow. I'm human. I have feelings, I wonder if you have any or are you just a workaholic robot? I fought back at him with the logic that if you care about someone wouldn't you want to work hard TOGETHER? Instead of being 2 individuals working at trying to beat eachother? Thats dumb. I don't need a rival. And this awkward admiration for how I somehow overcome my problems some way; its kind of sadistic to put me through this shit to watch how I deal with it. I told him that yea, I got myself out of the mess you put me through last year but it didn't come without a price. Imagine what I can do WITH your help. There is only so much time in someone's life and if you have to do things the hard way the WHOLE time you are not going to end up accomplishing as much as if you had a little help here and there. That's the whole point of socializing. Humans are very social creatures. Society and the way things works is by communications, networking and the trade of one's skills for another. This is how you get ahead in life. Not by trying to do all your shit on your own. In fact one solid related example would be that you wouldn't even be here with this bar if it weren't for the fact you were my boyfriend and you ended up going to my event where you met Ma-san over here who is your current business partner.

Also if you keep working and working and working soo hard like this you will break your body. Its no wonder you got so sick. Do you think I wanna end up like you like that? I believe in balance. Balance of work, love and health. We somehow got on the topic of where would you see yourself at age 50. I said I don't about me but you, I see you alone. Ma-san laughed. That is true he said Ai seems like someone who will never get married. I asked Ai does he want to be all alone when he is old? He couldn't answer me.

Another question I had was that if he even read my mails or not because he doesn't seem to reply to them at all. Ma-san told me he doesn't mail or return phone calls often. Hes just that kind of person. Ai said that he does read ALL my mails and recited them back to me to a T. I was really impressed but confused at the same time. If he this idiot reads all my mails why does he lurk like a creeper and don't mail me back. That's just weird.

As we kept talking I noticed that the cross Ai was missing, Ma-san was wearing. In fact alot of of Ma-sans accessories were Ai's old accessories. Ai mentioned that he knows my bday is soon so I said sooo... where is my cross? Ai told me its expensive. I said but I want one and its my bday soon haha. He told me that Ma-san bought it off of him so when he said "gave" He didn't actually mean it. Ma-san was impressed I remember EVERY single accessory of Ai's . I jokingly said to Ma-san, he must love you more.  LOL. Ai said its not true. Seriously, I've just been busy I wasn't with any other girls blah blah. I was with this guy the entire time. SEE! I TOLD YOU! he does love you more. I lost. I lost to work and you. LOL

I kept hounding Ai so where is my birthday present. He said just wait.... He went to the back and came back out with a business card of his. Here you can have this. Its got a new photo and stuff. I was like ..... your business card?! what kind of present is that?! (though secretly I wanted a copy of this picture... ) He said you are right that's not much of a present is it? He took my planner and looked at it and pointed HEY you don't have anything written on your bday. I said that's because I have nothing planned. He said no, no, that's not acceptable. So he took my planner and wrote happy birthday on it in his sloppy handwriting and drew a heart. He told me if he can, he wants to see me for a little bit on my bday because that's terrible.

The bar closed at around 9 and everyone left together. We all went to karaoke in which the men payed for. I was sitting next to Ai the whole time and we sang the morning away. It was around 12 when we came out. It was really cute seeing how he interacts with his coworkers and so on. Everyone so close together teasing eachother, I envy their time with him. How I wish I could be able to see him day-to-day like this.. but instead I'm just his most precious... rival.. ==;; which according to his logic is more important and a higher position that any lover. Not that he has a lover since Lover and Rival is the same person according to him.

I had so much fun but at the same time it hurt so much so when I got home I cried.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Mou Kimi Igai Aisenai... This Day, One Year Ago

Today at the Dance Groove meeting our Natsuki ran for Stage leader but didn`t do well enough and got the leader position for organization of who does what on the day of of Dance Groove.

Sometime later at night I went to see my friend Kaede   (Keita)He took me out to yakiniku and karaoke. We had a pretty nice time and talked about various things. He`s a handsome, nice guy who seems to have a pretty normal life. He`s stable and has a moderately decent future ahead of him. Maybe this is what I need in my life. Maybe I can have a happier life if I went for someone attractive but ultimately normal and would treat me nice.

We went to karaoke til first train and were having a good time. However, by chance he choose a song my ex had dedicated me to me... Mou kimi igai aisenai by Kinki Kids. Here`s the meaning of the song:

I Can't Love Anyone But You (Mou Kimi Igai Aisenai) by Kinki Kids
If you disappear for even a moment, I get anxious
I won’t leave you, don’t want to leave you,for even a moment
I can’t love anyone but you, no matter who else comes along
I can’t love anyone but you, I promise u that here and now
Even if the world comes to an end,
The love I’ve promised u is forever,
We’ll surely be happy forever,forever~

When Keita sang it, because it was on this day.... it flooded my head with memories of Ai and the happiness we shared then the breaking of this promise. I had a hard time not crying during the song. A couple tears streamed down my face but luckily he was too busy singing to notice. It was at this point I realized; who was I kidding? I'm too much of a nut job to be with a normal person. I think I only really belong with another crazy person... Keita and I parted ways around the seibu shinjuku exit. I had to take the JR line so I had to walk just a little further. I still held the address to Ai's bar in my phone and as contemplating on going.... but decided against it since I had to wake up for school soon... So I went home sent a simple ai-kun genkishiteiru no? mail to Ai before I went to bed.

Because of cramps, I didn't end out going to school. Around 1pm I got a reply back that He is about to open a 3rd location for the bar. I decided to call him. He didn't pick up at first but then he called back. He said its been awhile, what brings the occasion? in a cheerful tone.

I said (also in a cheerful tone) Well... do you know what day is today?
Ohh yes, that day. haha

I was just wondering how you are doing and to congratulate you on the opening of your 3rd bar.
He explained how that he's been super busy with the bar things and that he seems to never have a day off etc. He also expressed that he had wanted to learn english *with an underlying tone that he wanted to either learn from me or learn because of me* but with his schedule it was impossible
I said well even for a little while, we could always go out for coffee. I don't really seem to have very much time these days either.

Oh, I was wondering what have you been doing these days? (I told him what has been happening in my life lately and alot of its hardships about being a foreigner in Japan.. Not so much socially but in terms of technicalities that lead to restrictions and constraints. I'm just cutting this section of the convo out)

 Because of Ai, I too wanted to try hard in life.... well.. even when we were together I was trying hard too... though im not sure if you saw it...
He congratulated me on overcoming some of the big obstacles that happened because he ran out last minte and said he knew I always tried hard. *though while we were together it seemed like he never acknowledged it.*

Welll... I finally after 7months figured everything out. I always knew that he had no ill intentions and that he loved me but I had my doubts as friends were telling me some possibilities and meeting others that had similar problems

1. He was dating lots of people on the side and trying to get them to go to his club. This I thought was a slim chance of being true because he doesnt seem like someone who would be dating more than one person. That and he was trying to quit hosting and is now no longer a host. But around the same time we broke up was when he quit being a host so I thought MAYBE there's a 1% chance that it could be that and now that he is no longer a host there's no use for him to do that even though, it still made no sense for someone so ambitious to use a broke girl.

2. Romantic hobby. A friend of mine was explaining when I told her about Katsuya who had one really nice date with me then disappeared after i turned down his sales mail. She said that sometimes for them its a hobby that they would want to have this romantic thing with cute girls but don't want them as a real girlfriend nor a sex friend. Its like.... a on call girlfriend kind of thing. This was what it I feared it might have been.

3. He has a real girlfriend elsewhere and I came in when things where bad but when things got good again he went back to her. I doubted this alot though but thats a reason a friend gave me

But.. the real reason is... I lost to work. Work consumed him and he is like married to his job. There's no room for love in his life at all. He never lied to me and everything was true and THATS why even though things were looking as if they were gonna get fixed then crashed down suddenly like it did.

It corrected some of my own self doubts that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't talented enough, not strong enough to be worthy of being by his side... It seems that its not that and that he just loves working too much..

This makes me feel alot better about myself now that I found out it wasn't really anything I could have done better. I did my very best and I did nothing wrong.