Tuesday, August 9, 2011

July 2011~Aug2011: Sprialing Down to Hell

July 7th Love Gal's

The summer heat is killing me and it doesn't help that my a/c broke and my landlord won't fix it for us. I hate summer as is. This happening is just killing me. I eventually arrived at itatoma to find out they weren't there so I had my pizza wrapped up. I was really started to get annoyed with sa-jin at this point. Always fucking changing their plans on me and Ash not being assertive enough and playing weak girl and not saying what needs to be said. I'd say if I could but unfortunately its not me who can speak well enough at this point. Ash being annoying on the phone refusing the fucking tell me the place in english using Japanese pronunciation on a fucking english word. Its PRONTO I didn't understand wtf is Puronto because it sounded like Front? Plant? or some sort of random gibberish. Her directions also really sucked. I really hate when she does this. She gets all shy and docile and refuse to speak in english on the phone when there are japanese people around when what needs to be said could be said so much easier in english. It annoys the hell out of me because its like shes ashamed of being foreign or something. Anyways I got there after much difficulty almost yelling at Ash on the phone. When I got there she said sorry and said it's because she didn't want to be bothered by the 2 white girls on the table next to us. I was like = =;; really now? Who cares. You speak english so speak it. Nothing to be ashamed of or hide from. If they bother you then tell them to piss off. If they stare at you then it's their problem. Anyways the rest of the meet became kind of like a share your problems week and it became kind of a nice bonding of our members. Of course the one thing that was bothering me most is Ai. After we got home I went on the computer and looked up a bunch of words that might aid me in talking with Ai for our date the next day. I really needed to talk to him about a few things.

July 8th Ikebukuro Date with Ai

I really wanted to wait until fall to wear lolita for Ai because summer is just dreadful but with the way things are going right now, I had this odd feeling that today maybe the last. I really need to talk to him to see what is going on...

I arrived at Ikebukuro station perfectly on time but he was not there. I waited in the heat in lolita fanning myself with a little floral print fan while trying to find out where he is. I finally get contact from him that he will be there soon. He fell asleep on the train and miss the stop so that's why he is late. I waited some more. An old lady passed by me and complimented on my appearance. You look like such a doll! and look at that little narrow tall nose you have, you look soo pretty! She really brightened up my day. Ai finally arrived 45mins late. Alot faster than usual but I just wanted to die because of the heat. When he found me he was pleasantly surprised by the dress. I think he likes lolita alot.

He lead me to a Cafe called Milky Way located at the mouth of sunshine city. The place had a really cute atmosphere and we ordered some cute deserts. They had some designed after the 12 star signs. I was going to pick my own but in the end picked Sagittarius (Ai and Ash's sign) because it looked the most tasty. When our orders came we started to talk. He started off by saying sorry to me and that whole day was just full of screw ups from him.  The reason why he was kind of cold to me was because he was in front of a potential business partner so he didn't think it was appropriate to be all lovey-dovey with his girlfriend in front of him. (though there was another couple there and Ma-san thought it was weird how he was my boyfriend and was so distant.) We talked for about 3hours because with lack of language, what would normally take me 30mins-1hr to say in english took me 3hrs. But, like always Ai patiently listened to me and made sure he understood what I was trying to say everytime. In short I told him, that this late thing has to stop, I don't mind waiting as much as I just don't like our time to be taken away since we only see eachother every so often. I also just in general want him to be a little more affectionate, like mail me sometimes or call. If not that, then see me more often. He agreed that he should and said he's really sorry for what he did at dancegroove. It was going smoother than what I thought. I thought I would have to fight him on it or he would just give up on me and leave.

Broken screen, missing keys, jammed disk drive, time on continuous loop so cant update, thing heats up so bad you could fry an egg on it, fan makes jerking noises,  won't turn on without being plugged into the wall, and trust me it gets worse from here
We finished our desserts and left the building. It was too late to do anything like the aquarium or something like that so we went to the game center took some purikura. I wrote we have been dating for this long and still going strong =)  and when I told him the meaning he smiled warmly and said thankyou. Then he tried his luck at the UFO catcher. He tried to get 2 bunnies at once but failed. After prob the 14th try he got one and gave me it. I was soo happy. We still had a little more time before he had to go so we went into to a electronics store. He said he was thinking about getting a willcom phone because money is starting to get tight for him. He's been saying for the last couple months that he has alot on his mind as for what kind of job he should do. He's going to quit hosting any time now so he has to think about what's next. He wants to become something big so he can protect the person who is special to him.

While we were looking I brought up the fact my computer is broken and I kinda need to buy a new one. I know that he's actually pretty good at computers so I wanted him to help me pick one out. He took me to the top floor where they sold used computers and talked to me about each of them. I said I wanted to go to Akiba with him the next time we meet so we can take a longer look. When we exited we also talked about what's going on with me. I said my visa is up soon.. and its making me nervous. He asked me what am I going to do about it? What am I going to do about it...? 0_o....

We talked further about the subject and he said he will look into stuff a bit more about it. He said he talked to some foreigners here and there and it all seemed difficult. (duh, I could have told him that =_=;l; ) But anyway he said he wants me to try harder.

We also talked about housing and stuff. His lease is up in Feb so we can't really do much about that for now but he said he would love to live together and stuff.... Everything seemed like it was going well. He even said that sometime soon like between the 13th or 17th he should have some time to see me.

July 17th.

On the 13th I waited all day for Ai to set up a time but in the end he couldn't meet and said he will try again on the 17th. The 17th came and he canceled so I ended up having coffee with Ruki and he kind of cheered me up a little before I met up with Ash in Harajuku.

July23rd Blaze Solo Event: Emotional Breakdown.

Since the 17th Ai hasn't contacted nor answered mails. I've been feeling pretty depressed, worried and confused. But I decided today I am going to get my mind off of things and have fun with my circle friends. Blaze is holding a solo event in Roppongi A-life and on our way there I was thinking about who's guest I should go under. I thought to put in Kai but to be loyal to toyosu family  I put in Linderman instead. When we got there we started drinking immediately. I was having a great time and drinking lots. My tolerance seemed to be high today. I finally ran into kai at about the peak of my high and he told me that he would give me 1000yen back if I went under his guest. I told him sorry but I didn't..... He gave me a kind of a hurt look and then turned around sharply and walked away pissed. This broke me.

I couldn't hold it anymore. I ran into the washroom and started to cry. I just couldn't take the stress anymore. My boyfriend hasn't contacted me in 2 weeks, even though he said he would try harder. (and he did try harder only to disappear for 2 weeks) My time is running out and I just hurt a close person of mine's feelings. The look of hurt in Kai's eyes just triggered all the emotions I have been bottling up inside for the past 2 weeks. I crouched down with my hands holding the sides of my face and cried. Girls started to gather around me and ask me what was wrong. I didn't care. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. I  think I was in shock because just all the sounds and people's voices were a blur and I couldn't hear, think or feel anything but my heart breaking. Finally... a familiar voice rang through the murmur of noise. It was Ashley. She held on to me for awhile and to everyone else to give me some space. She comforted me and volunteered to find Kai for me. But Kai was nowhere to be found so she took me outside and I was still sobbing. All my friends were concerned because it's the first time the saw me cry. Ash kept me company and told them that everything will be ok. Soon after she took me home where I stayed and she went to the nijikai while I slept it off.

July 31st Elyce in Shinjuku

Ai finally replied after Ash had been hounding him for a week calling him everyday, a few times a day and leaving threatening messages in his inbox. He said some pretty confusing stuff about how he was sick and right now he's really busy with trying to get his life on track and that I should be doing the same too..? It was overall really long and left me very confused as to what this meant. He knows my visa is up soon, does he not care? I've already gone over how hard it is to get one on my own and he had promised if I couldn't find one he would help me.

I met up with Elyce and Ash in shinjuku were we bought a bottle of champange and drank outside chatting about things. Elyce was telling me about how she has been having thoughts of breaking up with her boyfriend since he won't see her more than a couple times a week. They work so close and yet he rather see his friends instead of meeting with her after. Ash and I both looked at her and thought 2x a week is more than we could ever ask for LOL. Elyce asked whats up with me and I told her the stuff that's been going on recently and she told me she could never handle what Ai puts me through. Through Elyce's responses, I started to realize that how a person treats you can be a deciding point for alot of girls. Whereas for me, I go for the personality as in not how they treat me par-say but who they are as a person and if said person loves me, then I'm satisfied. I guess that's where the problems lie. A person can be a great and wonderful person but still suck at taking care of a girl no matter how true, strong and sincere his feelings are. We just chatted on and on about random things til we finished the champange bottle. We then walked around a little and was dragged to a shaved ice van where we hung out with the people there. One of them we called safari boy because he was dressed in like a urban safari outfit. The head of the group bought us all some drinks and we just sat outside drinking with them. Around first train we said our goodbyes and left. It was a nice relaxing day I think.

Aug 9th A day out with Khea

Khea is an old friend of mine as those of you who may have read my entries back in 2009ish. She is happily married with a kid and loving husband here in Japan. My days have been pretty dark and gloomy but I decided that today I will have a nice day out during the day with my lovely friend Khea. This is the first time I'm seeing her since I arrived in Japan I think. Funny how time flies. This is also the first time meeting Khea's daughter Missha. Shes such a lovely well-behaved little girl. Lots of energy. As a friendly tradition we of course went to starbucks after taking purikura to catch up and talk about a few things. I asked her for some advice and Khea told me about some various options for visas in Japan and stuff. I took down some notes for things to look up when I get a spare moment. Khea told me that it seems I have grown alot since I came to Japan. We are only a month apart in age but she's so much more mature than me so it feels kinda of nice that it seems like I'm finally catching up after all those years in Canada where my growth was stunted. Unlike alot of other friends who couldn't understand why I like Ai, Khea did after I explained that what I liked about him most is his unique personality. However, with things so shaky at the moment I told her I've decided to try to find a back up plan. It's a little late but I still have a little over a month to figure things out. After our little chat, we went to Seibu department store and looked at various childern's items then I walked Khea to the station where she hugged me and said next time I should come over to her house for a nice home-made dinner. I said I would love to and waved good-bye. I really wish that someday I could have a family too.....

When I got home I took a short nap because I was exhausted from the heat. Not that my house was any cooler due to the a/c still broken... It was shortly after I woke up when a mail from Ai came in response to the one I sent him  asking for some clear answers.....

It was a long mail... but here were some of the key points

He likes/loves me and he sees me as his rival ( I asked him straight if he liked me or not and what am I to him)

His talk about his illness resurfacing and going to hospital wasn't a lie but I could believe whatever I wanted.(I asked if it was true or not because alot of my friends told me it sounded like a lie though I thought it wasn't because I saw the medication in his bag before)

He has little time left and needs to make something out of himself soon so he has no time for anything but that.

He thinks I am charming lady and maybe the best girlfriend a guy could ever wish for if things were under normal circumstances. But he thinks im holding back and he doesn't want that from me. He wants me to work harder and reach my fullest potential. (basically praising me and scolding me at the same time this goes on for about 3 paragraphs. )

He thinks I don't try hard enough. He tries soo hard even though he is sick and he thinks I should do the same too.

We should both work hard on our dreams. But sorry, we cannot do it together.

Something along those lines. It was very hard for me to read. Very long and very complex. Full of excuses, cold and chiding words, yet telling me he likes me and thinks highly of me. It left me confused other than the bottom line is that this is a break-up mail...

I am left alone with only a short time left before my visa is up without a solid backup plan yet, my a/c is broken and im dying in the heat of my first tokyo summer (37degrees and 100% humidity on most days), my computer is breaking more and more day by day and viscous girls from the otherside of the world are taking this opportune moment to put salt on my wounds by relentlessly making up rumors and threats everyweek. I felt like I could die...