Friday, June 17, 2016

On the Verge of a Rebirth

It has been 1 year since I found out the shocking news about Ai. More than loosing a love,  a best friend, a future husband, I lost faith, and my spirit was broken. I want to write today about my process through pulling myself out of depression. I am not 100% there yet but maybe writing my process might help others who are drowning.

I was crying everyday and wanted to die but couldn't. I suffered through it, and let myself cry it out, rehash and retell my story over and over again to myself and people around me. I cried and cried and cried. I slept any chance I could get to escape the world around me. I let everything fall apart because if I kept it inside I felt like I would explode. I think I only survived because I knew my limitations and didn't try to bottle it up. (5months drowning, sinking)

I cut off anything I felt was too large me to swallow and moved to something I can still be productive but not intense. I went numb and ran on moved bare minimum to survive. I was breathing and my heart was beating but that was the only sign of life I had. (3months drifting, floating) 

I woke up and tried my best keep myself busy. I went somewhat wreck less and drowned myself in work instead of in my bed. I did not care what it was doing to my body, if I could have one shred of belief I wasn't useless to everyone I didn't care what happens to me. If only I can have peace, the mediocre was enough for me. (5months~ treading water, swimming in circles)

My next step is not quite there yet but I am working towards it. I found that depression is not only the down part of it or the lifeless part of it, but it can have an active side of it too. I thought at the 3rd stage I was already out but at the back of my mind I felt like something was missing. That part I was missing was the mind set of plus instead of damage control, looking forward to things, planning for the future, trying to improve instead of just trying to not suffer and being satisfied with the now. My next goal is to be able to create things in my mind again. To inspire myself and want to improve my life again. 

Just a little longer I think. Knowing is half the step. For now just baby steps.  (breaking free of swimming circles and swimming towards land. final stage will be building a new empire)

My advice as someone who has pulled herself out of major depression 3x (not including + 3 more minor cases) is to always tell yourself its only temporary and take these steps. Cry it out, let go and let yourself go numb, climb back out and start looking forward to life again. The reason why this one was so particularly difficult and had an extra step of wandering around in circles was because I was already pulling out of depression from the damage that I occurred in 2014. I was at the point where I just got to the looking forward stage (and didnt have a treading water stage) when I suffered a deeper blow when the only pillar of hope I had was taken away. I thought the wandering circles part was just a result of permanent damage. Suffering too much made me want to not want anymore. But I realise now that isn't good enough. I want full recovery. 

Saturday, November 28, 2015


It`s been about half a year since Ai passed away. I have stopped crying everyday but still cry at least once a week. I am just trying my best to get through this.

I constantly feel so upset that everything I deemed precious always just barely falls short of grasp. I feel defeated in a sense that even when doing things the long and hard way still results in nothing but a broken heart from freak endings.

It sucks its so so so rare for me to fall in love with someone. For me to find a match is 1 in a million in quite a literal sense even harder for someone who is put together who is not only got the right chemistry but also a best friend and partner that is inspiring.

As for my facebook accounts. I will have them back up eventually... I feel rather cut off but that`s ok I guess... I feel alone a lot lately because I don`t want to bother people with a hashed up re-chewed downer topic that I carry in my heart everyday as people I feel that are really close to me have a lot on their plate right now and I don`t have the capacity to listen to their problems after I share mine. It`s nothing new just the same feeling as before no worse but not too much better either.

Everyone who sees potential in me; I always feel scared of letting them down especially when I`m not all there lately. I really don`t want to live in a world where no matter how hard you try unsuspected bad things can just come in like a bitch with hack code in a game killing what you hold dear to you in a split second. But I still continue to try my best to stay strong. I`m rather glad there`s a lot of things blocking my balcony right now.

It`s funny I keep ending up being encouraged to do something big career-wise by people all the time. I keep running away from it but it tends to keep being the only option for me at any given time. Since I have no career goal I`ll likely end up doing it anyways. Really, as long as I have money to enjoy the things I want to do and have the time to attend to my hobbies with time to think and unwind regularly I`m cool. I ultimately want to find love and have it last but...

Friday, July 3, 2015

Facing My Demons, Bracing Myself for the Future.

My Journey in Japan has been a rocky one from the very start. But I had a pretty good idea on what I was in for when I left Canada. When facing your demons it can be very scary but what is more scary than being put to the challenge, is to feel like you are stuck and rotting away with no improvement. That`s why I left Canada.

I`ve gone through a lot in Japan. I have starved, been stolen from by my best friend [while I was starving at that too] , been stalked,  been in an emotional abusive relationship [who ironically also fell off a building-- but survived], and lost my soulmate in a sudden accident. But I have also got to experience being in a gyarusa, had a chance to love and be loved by someone, made the best of friends I`ve always wished for. I got to finally grow as a person and experience all the things I`ve always wanted to do but couldn't because I was in Canada.

Now its time for a new chapter in my life. I always thought I was the kind of person to face my challenges head on but in reality I have been running away from the same things all my life. But now, I cannot run away anymore.

These are my weaknesses I need to work on.

1. Be aware of my surroundings. I've always been a detail pin point focus kind of person thus this is extremely hard for me

2. Don`t procrastinate prepare in advance, and maintain stamina. I've always been a type to be able to start things with a bang but often get bored and run out of steam quickly. I also the type to leave things to the last minute and finish in the nick of time.

3. Listen to people and remember things and care about people I don't have interest in

4. To lead people. I'm good as an individual worker but managing other people and making decisions that effect myself let alone other people is something I surprisingly don't like so much. I've been running away from leadership roles all my life even though without fail every fortune teller, palm reader, personality test, and aptitude tests in school tell me I am supposed to be a leader. 

5. Be proactive.[I still hate this word to this day] I like it better when someone hands me work and I do it and when I'm done I just do my own stuff. But being expected to assign myself more work is something I'm not so used to.

I have to face all of this now or continue to face them later til I die. I won`t get any easier until I change.

I wrote this because I`m sure there are more people who are facing the same problems as I am.

On a lighter note. I am now the creative producer of gyaru cafe 10sion! I have decided to join this company because I feel like I can grow a lot as a person and it is the first work place I ever been that I felt like I can really be friends with the people I work with.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Shiena`s Chapter in Ai`s Life

Dec 17th 1985 - May16th 2015 

On a rainy February morning, I met an extraordinary person who would change my life. His name was Ai. 

I was walking home and a flashy v-host pokes his head under my umbrella and asked me to listen to his request. I was wary at first and didn`t understand most of what he was saying as he was speaking extremely formally. His customer reservation had fell through and needed a last minute replacement. He requested only of my time and that he would pay for all expenses. We ate breakfast together as he intently listened to my story of why I was in Japan. I made it clear that I wanted to stay in Japan forever and listed the all possible options of stay. a] work, b] marriage, c] adoption etc. He took great interest in my determination. He was also the first person to patiently explain all his words to me until I understood and the first person to take me seriously instead of writing me off as an idiot just because my Japanese level was worst than that of a child`s.

We drank from start til finish of his shift and then went off to karaoke where he showed me his beautiful voice. Both exhausted he suggested we go to a hotel for a few hours on the promise that he would not try anything funny on me. He kept his word other than a sneak short kiss on the lips while I was sleeping. When we awoke he walked me all the way home. Going back to the topic of options to stay in Japan, he said if possible I would like to try out for option B. From that day on he tried extremely hard to gain my attention by going out of his way to see me and to help me with moving, taking me to amusement parks and serenading me with his amazing singing talent.[ Mou kimi iegai aisenai by Kiki Kids was a song he said expressed his feelings towards me]  While he was not my usual type I found we just had a lot in common and we could talk endlessly without end. After a few dates we became girlfriend and boyfriend. 

Going to new places every time it was amazingly fun being with him. He was teaching me a whole new world of new words and pushing me to try my best. Challenging me to new games, and pushing me out of my comfort zone from time to time.

However a few months later, there was a shift in his attitude and he became colder. He started to distance himself from me as my visa was getting closer to closer to its end while he was preparing to leave hosting to open up his own business. Unsure what to do I pressured him to give me a straight answer. He broke up with me with a lengthy cold mail about life. We didn't speak for eight months while he opened up 3 new bars and I starved myself and pulled all my resources to get my next visa. Unsure as to why we broke up he was always in the back of my mind. I tried for 3 months to visit the bar he opened to gain some answers but didn`t manage to muster up the courage until a few days before my birthday. I went to see him for closure but what I got was a somewhat of a rekindling of our feelings. He then went to visit my workplace with a bouquet of blue roses and a ring. This confused me as I had thought things were over but yet he was hinting that his feelings for me has never changed. He made a bet with me. He said that before 30 he wanted to get married. In the next 3 years he is going to try hard to make it so that he can be able to balance work and a relationship and he wanted me to also try my best to stay in Japan on my own power. 

It was an awkward of together but not together, hot/cold mysterious gruelling pressured 1.5 years with him in relationship limbo as he stressed that work was really busy and important and that I must not let him win over me. That I too should become a business owner and find a job I want to do not understanding how much more difficult it is for a foreigner with so many restraints. I eventually snapped from all the stress my body has put through with lack of sleep and money and food all because of my visa status and from him always keeping me close but never making it official. I of course tried many times to find someone to replace him but each time I failed with him smirking like he has yet won again. Telling me if I am with him I`ll surely find happiness yet not taking me at the same time. Eventually I started to put up a front that I was ok with just being friends and gave up trying with him while he continued his little game of hot/cold. 

At some point, I met with someone else who was the exact opposite of Ai. He was extremely outwardly emotional, traditional thinking, spontaneous and openly affectionate. When I first told Ai about this person after a moving in with him. Ai gave me his congratulations and told me he has heard good things about him. However I could tell there was a slight look of defeat on his face even though he forced a smile and said that as long as I felt happy he was good and he was willing to help me with any troubles I had--giving me advice on some of the difficulties that arose in m new relationship. I dated this person for 1 year  but ultimately broke up because of the nightmare he dragged me into was too much to handle and I felt myself spiralling deeper and deeper to the point of almost suicide. 

Completely broken, Ai comforted me but couldn’t hide a sense of relief on his face. We continued on as friends and relationship limbo [however a more calm and mature limbo] as I recovered slowly from the traumatic experiences of dating a mentally unstable partner. 

Things were getting more relaxed as another year went by. Both busy with work we only saw each other from time to time. Each time I grew and levelled up in my work telling him all about my accomplishments making him smile each time. I was slowly catching up to him like he always rooted me for. While he was preparing to be able to detach himself from the bar so he can venture out into other work ultimately graduating from night work and kabukicho. His dream job was to start a company to help counsel and prepare couples for marriage. 

Around the time my mom was coming for a visit suddenly he became a little warmer towards me while stating that he is closing in nearer and nearer to 30. [he said he wanted to marry before 30] In slightly warmer words than before, he told me that if I were to be able to find my own way to stay in Japan he would like to marry me. At first I was happy but then I was angry again at the fact he still doesn`t seem to understand my situation and once again overestimated my abilities.

He met with my mom in March. It was a rather formal meeting and he felt extremely honoured that I thought of him as important enough to make sure they met. The next day he invited me over to the bar again. I tried to go home a little earlier but he made me stay to battle him in another round of extreme drinking like we always do. He was getting extremely drunk and he ran up to the roof top as he normally does to catch some air. I then asked him my number one biggest question of all: Do you love me for me or do you love me for what you think I can become. He said without hesitation nor haste that he loved me for me. He let out a sigh and told me maybe he was being too serious with life. I told him it was an understatement and that he should sometimes stop to smell the roses. We embraced each other tightly and then returned the the bar. I could not stay too long as I had to show my mom around more the next day. 

After my mom returned to Canada, Ai started to contact me here and there and seeing me in private at my house were we battled it out again in drinking games. He said that he does`t trust a lot of people and that I was one of the few people he feels like he can be himself around… actually more truthfully perhaps the only one around. He said that I was getting close to what he envisioned me to be doing. Just a little more he said.. 

I was moving on up in my company and they had offered to give me a visa. Each accomplishment I sent him messages and photos. I tried to reach him by phone as well however there was no response. I figured he must have been busy as he could not make it to my birthday celebration a couple months before. A few weeks had gone by where his phone was turned off. So I finally mustered up the courage to message his tencho to check up on how he was doing. I found out that he had an accident in which he was drunk and fell off the building. [April 30th 2015] He was in a coma for 2 weeks before he passed away… [May 16th 2015] his funeral was held on May 20th in Akita…. The day I found out was June 12th 2015. I could not stop crying. [And I still can`t]

Ai was a serious, romantic and stubborn fellow. His heart was big and he wanted everyone to find happiness. He had trust issues and everything needed to be controlled in the right timing even though he was almost never on time but he always had the best intensions. He was truly a unique individual who had his own set of beliefs that he would not let anyone waver. He was smart, clever, and highly intuitive. He loved playing games and holding competitions. His philosophy is that his lover of his life is one and the same as his rival. He hated loosing but at the same time he hates having easy competition more.

He was my soulmate. We had a deeper than lovers, deeper than friends kind of love. No matter what I did I always came back to him and he always had a look on his face like he knew I`d be back. To keep things professional for his workers we had to keep our feelings a secret. I lied to myself, my friends and everyone that I thought of him as only a friend now, but I had always loved him. I just didnt like the feeling of missing him and the uncontrollable want to always see him all the time even though he was busy. So I tried to convince myself I was fine as being friends because this way I`m free to roam around and no matter what happens I`ll never have to say goodbye. But he saw through my facade and I`m glad he did. I would have hated to have him go without him knowing. 

I may no longer have that someone to report my accomplishments to, I may no longer have someone pushing me harder and harder to be a better person nor anyone to challenge me. But he lives on in my heart and from now on I will have to try twice as hard on my own. His physical body is gone but his spirit lives on in the hearts of all the people he has touched. I love you Ai. See you again in the afterlife. 

PS. I can be a bit of an fragile idiot sometimes as you know. Please guide me or send me a sign before I start to do anything stupid haha. 

I plan to draw a few drawings, make a photo album and visit his grave as soon as I have the time and money to make the trip to Akita.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Staying in Japan

Ok, so a lot of people I know and/or are close with have been attacked and judged and put down for marrying their Japanese boyfriends and getting a marriage visa. Even more attacked when they have children.

There are several reasons why marriage is a common choice for foreigners to stay in Japan but let me go through the hardships of alternatives for staying without a marriage visa.

Student Visa: Tuition costs. Can work but work type and hours are limited. Hard to survive. Japan has an expectation that foreign students have parents or savings to live on. Also pretty much expected you return after your studies. Most teachers/counsellors get surprised when if you say you want to stay in Japan. Resources to help find work is limited

Work Visa: Generally requiring years of experience in a particular field or 4 year degree. There are many different kinds of work visas and you are not allowed to work outside your category.

Entertainment Visa: A little looser with job categories however, unlike normal work visas, they have to be reviewed every 3 months making sure you a significant amount of work during those times. Most models are flown in and out of Japan for their work.

Business Owner Visa:  This one is kind of iffy. I don`t know much about it other than it costs a lot of money.

[There`s a few others but less common and not all that much more promising]

In order to obtain permanent residency, I believe first you must work and pay taxes for something like 5-10years consecutive years [it was 10 years when I first got here but some revisions have been made from what I heard] . Basically renew your visa every year and pay your taxes properly. Also, of course must not violate your visa status by doing any activities outside of your designated activities assigned in your visa.

In other words you are pretty much expected to be educated, rich and ready to jump through hoops like a circus.

But lets face the facts, who has that much money nowadays? Also jumping from visa to visa, there`s always a possibility of not qualifying one year so your home that you lived in for years might be just taken from right under you and you have to go back to your home country. You will never feel stable or safe until you get that permanent residency.

On top of this anxiety, the jobs that provide visas are not only high in demand and thus hard to get, but also don`t often pay so well. You can`t work outside of your designated field so nope can`t have that part time job to take care of hard times. Sure that`s ok if its only for a little while but picture this, you have to last 5-10years in this limbo. Lets say you get here when you are 20 by the time you are free to do whatever job you want you are likely almost 30. [not that its a bad thing being 30 but normally you might want to start thinking of buying a home or something by then but its kinda difficult when a] you don`t get paid enough to have savings b] cant work a 2nd job to even try c] you may have to go home at any given year because its all in the mercy of your visa luck ]

Think about it this way. In your country is it hard to get a job even though you went to University? Yes. But imagine if your opportunities are even smaller because you have to have one that sponsor your visa and other job fields go to nationals first.

In short; Limited job opportunities, low pay, could be sent back home at any time. Hit a finical crisis? limited to no options to make up for it-for a good chunk of your prime working years of your life.

Side-note; most jobs that provide visas for foreigners are English teaching, Translator or Jobs in International companies. Want a job like hair-dresser? Tattoo-artist? Stylist? Make-up artist? good luck.

By the time you have reached the same opportunity level of the average 20 year old you are likely almost 30. For men that isn't bad, but for women that can be difficult. Now its all cool if you happen to land a job in a field you always wanted to do but lets face it, a job that provides a visa, that is your dream job? Yeah... highly unlikely.

Then theres Marriage Visa. I`ll go through some scenarios as why people go for Marriage visa.

1. Couple loves each other a lot, but foreign partner`s visa is running out. To continue to date this person they must marry or just say goodbye if this foreign partner fails to obtain his/her next visa. If you were in the national`s shoes would you want your girlfriend/boyfriend to have to go back their home country?

2. Pregnant. If not for anything, for a child born out of wedlock is kinda difficult in the Japanese system and thus getting married is kind of important for Japanese/Japanese couple or Japanese/foreign marriages alike. Foreign spouses tend to go for marriage visa even if they have another visa because it guarantees them to be able to stay in the country with their new family. You wouldn't want to split families apart right?

3. Marriage visa for freedom. Instead of having to work any old job for 10years you can start right at the same level as any other person your age and have equal opportunities to work in a field you want to work in and to be able to sustain yourself and more. It`s not the cheap shot or easy-way out its the logical. Why would anyone purposely handicap their opportunities for that long if this was an option. I have a few friends who went the straight-arrow way but they told me that if they had the opportunity to marry they would have because it would have saved a lot of time and money and open up a lot of different career options they rather have done.

What a lot of people don't understand is that unlike many western countries options outside of marriage is much more difficult in Japan than it is over there.

Out of the westerners I have met who have married only a couple married people who they didn't love. Both men btw. All others married their boyfriends/and or baby-daddy. But all want to genuinely stay in Japan, love the country and feel like they suit living here more than their home countries. Some of the reasons, for example is that Japan tends to have higher family values one friend said in comparison to her country and thats why she rather raise her child here.

Which gets me into dekichatta kekkon. It`s actually not that uncommon even in Japanese/Japanese relationships to have shotgun wedding.
Heres some stats. A little old but the numbers are only rising I think.

Before anyone starts assuming things it is not always... actually quite often NOT just some crazy girlfriend trying to trap a man into marrying her even though he doesn't love her. They are often couples who just could never find the `right time` to get married. A lot of Japanese men also don`t man up until they become a father. I heard many stories about friends spouses who were really childish and wishy-washy with things until they became fathers in which turned them around because they finally have something to really be responsible about.

Another thing, surprisingly sometimes it isn`t even the woman who is trying to make a baby but the man. There have been many situations where the boyfriend doesn't like condoms and wants to cum inside of their girlfriend. The convo might go something like this.

Do you WANT a baby?

Well... if you get pregnant I can just marry you! [in the most light hearted tone]

Some guys want to get their girlfriends pregnant so they can keep them. Sometimes I wonder if they are secretly playing Russian roulette with baby making in like this weird concept that if she gets pregnant then I'm destined to be with her. Or as a outside excuse to get them to get a kick in the butt to get their life started.-- Yes this scenario is real. I know at least 2 friends whose spouses have this sort of attitude and personal experience which I talked them out of.

Now, I know that this will just fly over the heads of many people and they will continue to bash and makeup stories for which ever girl gets to stay in Japan indefinitely while they are still at home not even brave enough to take the first step or they went but came back. But none of these people are out to scam anyone, or work to send money back to their home country and thus circulating money within the Japan, most are young and those who have children add children to the population crisis.

-end rant-

Monday, November 25, 2013

From Shibuya to Shinjuku: Closing Chapter of the Worst Landlord

Looking over the past year I haven't really changed much in appearance but especially in these last 3 months there has been some big life changes.

Namely, for the first time in 3 years I am leaving Shibuya. With Ash getting married and with child (now married and given birth to a healthy baby boy! congrats!) and my gyaru-sa no longer together, I don't really have too much of a reason to be in shibuya anymore as most of my close friends are now in Shinjuku.

For those who are planning on moving to tokyo looking for a place to live beware of a landlord named morris who often post listings on craigslist. He is a nightmare of a landlord and I warn you against renting from him at all costs. Why ash and I stayed there for over 2 years was just merely because it's expensive to move in Japan and with all the late fees he charged us (her) we never were able to come up with the money to move out until recently.

Firstly, in Japan sub-litting is illegal. We didn't know it at first but Morris is a sub-litter. Meaning he rents from someone and rents out to a 3rd party for a higher price making profit. He seemed like a good option at first because he only required a deposit and the rent was cheap for a place right in the middle of Shibuya. Sure the place was old but it sure as hell beat Sakura House's prices and size and on top of that he was charismatic and nice at the beginning. We moved in without any problems and a week after we settled in, the big earthquake hit and from then on our nightmare began.

There were many problems with many things I rather not go into all the details but in general he just never helped us with any of it. For example, our a/c broke and he didn't fix it til 6months later and we had to suffer the summer heat in our house at 37C at 80-100% humidity. It was awful. On top of that there was a pipe problem and so our shower flooded often, and the toilet kept running water. This apparently was a problem before we moved in that he failed to specify. The water bill turned to about 50,000yen for a month. We couldn't afford that and the water company went after Morris to do something about it. But he never helped us. I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture.

Ash is in charge of the rent and she was often a couple days late because at first it was hard to get a hold of him. He complained that why can't we just pay by bank transfer like everyone else. The fact is we tried but couldn't. He changed ridiculous late fees and in the final last year or so he started to get into shady methods to extort money and make our lives hell. The next part might be comical to read but it is really what happened.

In Japan you have to not pay for about 3months then get a official document to leave. Then it takes another 3 months to process a court order to really make you leave. We were never more than a week late with rent. And we always paid each month plus late fees. (which is funny he never gave receipts or actual amounts, he just made random numbers depending on his mood it seemed) He started to harass us from May of this year. Starting by locking us out of our house. But I was able to open the door by breaking locks and so on. By law he had no right to lock us out of our house if we paid rent each month regardless of it being a couple days late. Then it escalated to bigger locks. I was at home at the time so was it a properly made house, I would have been locked in but I managed to get in and out of the sliding door/window (like a ninja! yeah!) until one day winds were strong and knocked our window out of place and it broke. He was supposed to fix that but of course he didn't so we did it ourselves but he kept on tearing our fixtures apart. From the locks came him nailing boards up. over our window so we cant get in and out. (So, I took the lock out again) There have also been times he would break into our house to see if we were home several times. I can tell because he would step on things and a couple times we were home when he did that.

Around october and november came the hardest part. He started to nail our door shut. While ash and I were already planning on moving out by end of Nov, he was getting worse and worse trying to get us out faster. Ash was already staying mostly at Taiyos house and I already have a new place ready so I was just waiting til my school work quieted down before I attempted to move. But instead of only around rent time he came almost every day to board up our house. I was smart and brought a screw driver in my bag and opened up every time I came home to grab my things. But it really made life difficult. I really wasn't planning on moving til end of november but because of the circumstances I had to waste precious project time (which took a big toll on my 3rd term project) on moving my things. I could only take a little at time and I was only planning to just take a couple items one day and the boards got worse so I decided to move all my essentials out first. Unfortunately I was wearing 6inch heels and twisting my ankle on my way out. Needless to say, just when the weather was getting perfect for looking good I had to wear sneakers... which matched none of my clothes so I had to borrow jerseys... (on top of my hair finally being long enough to mori, it was summer so I had to wait an extra 3-4months to look good again and then this happened. Plus this years winter trends.... I'll get into that another day )

From that day I knew I had to get my stuff out as soon as I could but with 3rd term coming to an end projects and homework was heavy so I didn't have much time. It got worse again as he broke into our house again and stole our lights this time. You want us to move out but you make it hard for us to get our things. You want us to pay you money yet you want us out asap. Sorry but it don't work that way.

The very last day of our rent I finally was able to make it out there to do my last move. During that time one of his dogs broke in to yell at me to get out. I was already on my way out. He wanted me to clean the house like it was new as well and get out at the same time. Um sorry? You can't expect me to do all that in 2 hours. Well, the main person they were after was Ash since my name wasn't on the lease. Ash already had most of her stuff out already so I just packed my things and left too. I didn't bother cleaning since it's not like he's gonna give back our deposit (which btw, our super nice neighbour never got his deposit back. Morris knew he was leaving the country so he just made himself scarce and not answering contact.) and I wanted to show him a piece of the hell he put us through.

So now I live in Shinjuku and Ash lives in Saitama. We still phone each other often though. Things won't be the same but it's not necessarily a bad thing. We all have to grow up someday. Sometimes things happen faster than expected. But hopefully with a new family Ash will finally flourish and become more responsible. I know she works hard under pressure so surely, she will be ok. She always made sure she would. This chaotic mess was mostly due to a crazy landlord but Ash was not completely free from fault either. Her procrastination has landed her (and me in the process) in a lot of trouble with other household things on top of giving the landlord an excuse to make our lives a living hell. Hopefully for me as well, there will be some more stability in my life because I'm really tired of working soo hard only to have to work 2-3x harder just to prevent other peoples mistakes from impacting me so badly. Its just like driving. No matter how careful and safe of a driver you are, you can still get into an accident because the driver next to you isn't.

The gloomy truth of things are;

No matter how careful you are, you can still get into just as much trouble as the dare-taker next to you just by being there

Love is not all you need. Just because 2 people love each-other dearly don't mean they can be together. Unfortunately as it is, circumstances have a huge play in relationships.

Just because a person is good at heart don't mean they won't do bad things.

Just because someone is talented or smart don't mean they will be successful.

In otherwords, while hard-work and being a good person counts some, life is more at the mercy of luck than one would like to admit and circumstances/enviroment can really make or break people no matter how good or bad of a person was to begin with.

Pure-heart, and natural talent, and handwork stands nothing next to experience and luck. But no matter how short of the end of the stick you get you can only live-on and hope for the best.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Oct 2013

School nearly takes up most of my life but there has been a couple times where I was able to go out and   play over the last 3 months.
Sept. 15th Dance Groove 2013
This years Dancegroove has a new spin on it. Circle politics-wise last year was supposed to be the last year since the founder has decided to let it go. However, Mikado Masa has decided to pick up the slack and revive it along with Mikado Shuuhei.

This year they collaborated with some Awa Party group. Ash and I got extremely lost getting there... so we only stayed for 1 hour. The awa party was interesting but not at all as fun as one would expect. Mostly because while I didn't mind getting soap on my clothes and hair (I wore a hat for a reason lol), I was not at all thrilled getting it shoved in my face which caused my eyelashes to fall off and ruin my makeup not to mention soap in ones eyes hurts! 

I believe it would have been much more fun drunk and if there were more sa-jin there. Though I think it was alot more fun for normal people this time. Alot of sa-jin were not thrilled with the soap in the face thing. haha 

But my highlight of the day was the purikura! I haven't taken purikura in 2 months! * SHOCK * 

Oct 14th Katie and Emi
  It was my first time meeting a couple british gals that just came out to Japan recently. Their names are Emi and Katie. The hot weather and the stress had made it kinda difficult for me to do my hair for awhile but I thought it's about time I start trying again. We went looking around Shibuya, Harajuku etc just window shopping, taking purikura and so on. It was really fun. It was really refreshing meeting up with some new gals in town. It reminded me of the fresh way I felt when I first landed here 3 years ago. I wish that we had a little more time so we could get in Katie's sushi and some Karaoke. Just a week or so later Katie also joined me at the Tokyo Decadance Halloween Special. 

Oct 15th Goth Gene
  It has been a long time since Goth gene has ran and I was really looking forward to it. But obstacle after obstacle made it kinda a drag to get to. Mainly, the typhoon. We managed to get our purikura in and take the train to goth gene safely. But when we got there there weren't many people there. The girl who calls her shiromanba Bazzooka?? some cyber goth chick was booming music so loud the floor shook. I think they were trying to make up for the lack of people? Either way it was making Ash feel sick so she had to go home early. Funny as it seemed, after she left the good parts started and it turned out to be a pretty good night. 

Oct. 19th Decadance Halloween
  Needless to say it was REALLLLY crowded. But Katie and I managed to find eachother. Also in the line, I randomly met Ash's friends Gab and Trev. I took turns hanging out with Katie, Gab and Trev and just some old friends over the times at Decadance. I had alot of fun. 

Oct 21st
  Tired as hell, I still miraculously managed to make it to help Dania and  Kate get their extensions in. We just chilled at Miami Garden and caught up. It was nice to have a breath of fresh air for once. Some time in the same week I met up with Dania again with Ryuuichi. It has been a long time since I've seen him. We went to Shisha (I dont smoke so I just chatted with them and had a drink) and then to Karaoke. We were messing around and Dania and Ryuichi sang Gasolina for me in Spanish. Again it was really nice to really play. Lately I couldn't seem to get drunk no matter how much I drank but it seems that that day I was able to finally get a bit buzzed. Must be stress? mood? probably what it was.

lol, looking at the wrong camera

Oct 31st Halloween
  I met up with Dania and company at Christon Cafe in my Toshiya costume. There I met her great friends from Cali. I was really happy that she was with such a nice bunch since last time was a disaster. They were nice and mature and even though it was halloween we had a nice relaxing night with good food. The only problem was that my feet were killing me and I could hardly walk. Serves me right for going straight for 6inch heels as soon as the weather got cold enough to look good? I really wish that Dania could stay. I need more sane friends like her. I feel like I can relax and talk about anything with her. She really understands me and is a true friend.  Come back soon ok?!

November... Really not much to say for November other than it was Hell. So There will be no Nov entry but instead a School work entry.